Monsoon Martin’s Open Letter of Grievance to the Drivers of Baltimore - Part Four
My plantive cyber-remonstration concludes…
The Blazing Bringer of Blindness. Plenty of cars come standard with these floodlights—the blue-white LED headlights that shine much more brightly than halogen headlights. Halogen headlights shine at around 1500 lumens, whereas LED headlights emit 60,000 lumens of retina-searing light. (OK, that number may be high. I think it’s actually around 4000 to 6000 lumens. But still!) Note: I realize people often don’t have a say in what headlights they’ll have. I still hate them. Did I say every item on this list would be rational? Indeed, I did not. (And when the driver retrofits or modifies the headlights illegally, it only serves to deepen the intensity of my white-hot incandescence of my OH MY GOD I CAN’T SEE SHIT.)
The Jalopy. This is the car that stopped being roadworthy several years ago, and yet it still, somehow, runs. I’ve seen cars with no front or rear bumper, no headlights, one windshield wiper, one or more flat tires, severe chassis damage, a significantly cracked windshield, and a profound will-to-live deficit. Aside from trying to extend the life of a car for financial considerations, the principal reason for this parade of wretched wrecks is that in Maryland, a car needs to be inspected when it is first registered—and never again. (Only yearly emissions testing is required to maintain registration.)
The Drifter. No, this isn’t a reference to a transient person. It refers to vehicles that drift near or across the yellow line (or seem to drift in and out of their chosen lane, apparently at will). My outcry when encountering these drifters: “Pick a lane, Dickshirt!” (Sometimes I am so flummoxed by the outrageously bad driving that I actually begin to lose the power of coherent speech.)
The “I Shan’t Deviate From My Chosen Lane” Mulish Driver. This mulish meathead refuses to pull over to the next lane if someone is stopped on the shoulder of a highway.
Corollary: The self-absorbed suck-lord that doesn’t yield the roadway to emergency vehicles—or barges into funeral processions. Or don’t pull over for emergency vehicles, barge into funeral processions, or don’t stop—or even slow down—when a school bus is stopped with the red lights on. This variety of traffic turdlet apparently believes that neither life nor death shall supercede their own convenience.
The Zoomer. My time is more important than yours! In fact, my time is more important than your life!!