Monsoon loses steam...
The next segment is coming up (it's 9:23pm EST) and I am beginning to wonder how much longer I can stay up. I am coming off binge-watching the final season of "Burn Notice" on Netflix (go ahead, judge me) so my television time today is out of control.
Who is the ghost of Michael Hutchence onstage right now?
Annie Lennox didn't sound that great in that Church song, but in the Spell on Me song, she sounds amazing.
Oh, Annie. The fake-mouth-harmonica thing is not a good choice.
Annie Lennox is upstaging the shite out of this Irish kid.
Alright, so best country album. I think that's my cue.
"I love y'all." - Miranda Lambert
Some dumb shit called "The Weekend" just called world famous cellist Lang Lang "Long Long."
Alright, Lang Lang is a pianist. Whatever. At least I didn't call him Long Long.
Why is Pharrell dressed as the Lobby Boy from the Grand Budapest Hotel??
I might actually not make it if I were to watch the Chris Brown salute to the music of Stevie Wonder.
I am going to bed.
It's been real, y'all.
Grammys: the 2nd hour begins.
Nigel Rogers and Smokey Robinson are not all that articulate this evening.
Beyonce wins something. "I love you deep" she says to her husband, and she thanks her "beehive" for "riding so hard" .... what does that mean?
So this is Ed Sheeran with Herbie Hancock, John Mayer, and Questlove. I want to run onstage and rescue Herbie and Quest from this travesty.
Herbie doesn't get a solo, but John Mayer does??!
Little-known Monsoon trivia: I was well into my 20s before I realized that this song was "Evil Woman" and not "Medieval Woman" ...
ELO sounds good, actually. And there's Taylor Swift dancing in the front row, of course.
"Please welcome, Ryan Seacrest."
Grammys: 4th segment
Kanye. He really thinks he is so much better than he actually is. Surely that's the kiss of death for any artist, or any talent, yes? The auto-tune is actually OUT OF TUNE. How can that be?
This Kanye performance is so bad. This song is so bad. I remember when he first came out - he showed such promise.
*polite applause*
"Let's all give it up for our BITCH Madonna! (She made me call her that.)" - Miley
Madonna is 56 years old. FIFTY-SIX!!
The devil theme continues...
Somehow, in every Madonna performance, she ends up writhing around on the stage.
Josh Duhamel totally almost just fell up the stairs.
Best Rock Album - Beck. Christ, is he still around? U2 should have won.
Grammys: 3rd segment
Miranda Lambert is about to perform, then Madonna and then Kanye. I feel a torrent of vitriol coming.
Dierks Bentley is a person? I thought it was the name of a band.
How can anyone listen to country music? I am seriously asking.
Was there some sort of profanity that they just cut out? Maybe the song was just so bad that the audio was temporarily like, I can't.
Who are those children with Barry Gibb?
If Miley Cyrus wins a Grammy, I will forswear music forever.
Whew. That chubby little Sam Smith won again. I don't love the song, but he seems like a sweet kid.
And U2's "The Miracle of Joey Ramone" played as the third segment went to commercial...
Grammys: 2nd segment
Let me take this commercial break as an opportunity to remind you: I would welcome your comments. Looking back on the posts I have made in the past hour, I am starting to sound like a cranky old dude yawping unheard in the wilderness. So say something, if only to make me feel better.
Anna Kendrick introducing Ariana Grande.
Ariana Grande isn't really very good. And here is the obligatory orchestra added to a Grammy performance to make something pedestrian seem profound.
What is this tweeting everyone is talking about?
Jessie J's outfit is almost unbelievably atrocious.
As is their duet of this song.
Seriously, I cannot get over how bad her outfit is. And her hair! I cannot.
"Happy" wins best pop solo performance. Catchy little ditty. Pharrel is seems like a good guy
WAIT. What is with those capri pants???!
Here we go: The Grammys first segment
LL Cool J is introducing AC/DC!!! Kick ass.
Oh, they are OLD. Here's an instance when HDTV is not kind, or useful.
They handed out glow-in-the-dark devil horns for the "Highway to Hell" performance. It brings me joy to imagine every Christian conservative watching this and dropping to their collective knees in desperate prayer for a godless nation.
"Our evening has only begun and we're only getting started on the Highway to Hell."
LL Cool J just called Taylor Swift "my friend, T-Swizzle." I am done.
Have not heard of 3 of the 5 "Best New Artist" nominees. I am old.
Collaborations
It's a Grammy tradition: a young artist is placed onstage alongside an old geezer. A hip hop artist duets with a country singer. A rapper teams up with an emo band.
Sometimes, it's magic. Usually, it's an unmitigated disaster.
Here are some of the collaborations planned for this evening:
Ed Sheeran, the red-headed shaggy-haired warbler, will be performing with ELO. I predict this will be the biggest train wreck of the evening.
Beck and Chris Martin (from Coldplay) will be fine, but bland.
Mary J. Blige and Sam Smith will probably be good. Ish.
Rihanna, Paul McCartney, and Kanye West will make me wish I were not a hearing man.
Common, John Legend, and Beyonce will perform a song from Selma. There will be some histrionics and oversinging here.
Hozier and Annie Lennox will perform. I don't know what a Hozier is, but Annie Lennox is the bomb.
We've just been promised a performance by Jessie J and Tom Jones performing one of the most beloved songs ever. I don't know who Jessie J is, but this sounds really, really ominous.
Bonus coverage: red carpet coverage!
The ET on POP red carpet Grammys coverage. The host just said that Madonna is wearing a "matadorical" look. Before tonight, matadorical was not a word.
What the hell is going on with Nancy O'Dell's hair? A horrifying mullet.
Nancy O'Dell's hair is an homage to Billy Ray Cyrus.
I just saw an ad for a new show by Eugene Levy called Schitt's Creek. Looks hilarious!!
Lady Gaga's faux-British accent is a bit much.
I have felt precious IQ points dribbling out of my brain during the ET interview with Kimye on the red carpet.