Monsoon Martin’s Definitive Taste Test of Carbonated Soda Alternatives (Mostly Sparkling Water)
Friends,
I find myself in the throes of a gustatory overhaul - I can no longer drink most of the beverages I had been drinking (OJ, POM, lemonade, etc.). And of course, my beloved Pepsi, which I’d been drinking for decades.
For years I regarded sparkling water (and its aficionados) with something between pity and scorn. Well before I had ever tried it, I heard people describe the taste of sparkling water as “like TV static,” “like drinking static electricity,” and “like hitting your funny bone.” My favorite is something to the effect of, “it’s like quietly invoking the name of a fruit whilst someone else is aerating water down the block.”
Once it became clear that I needed to at least try to become a consumer of sparkling water, I decided I needed a colossal taste test to separate the FOHs from the MEHs from the GR8s. My methodology was simple: taste as many of these drinks as I could, rate them with an overall score (out of ten), and share these findings (and my anecdotal observations) with you fine people.
Several points of order I want to discuss before we dive in to the list:
In everyday conversation, we often use the terms “seltzer” and “sparkling water” interchangeably. But did you know there’s definitely a difference?
Seltzer is purified/filtered water that is artifically carbonated. It has no mineral content, often has a sharper or harsher taste/mouthfeel, and is present on the palate only fleetingly before it up and vanishes like a fart in the wind.
Sparkling water is water sourced from a spring or well and containing carbonation that may be naturally occurring and/or artificially aerated. Sparkling water has rich mineral content, which produces a milder—and many feel, more pleasant—mouthfeel and smoother taste.
Throughout the course of this taste test project, I have come to loathe the obfuscations that many sparkling water purveyors employ to expand their share of this lucrative market. These will be noted throughout, and the transgressors shamed.
The most healthful products are those whose entire ingredient list reads something like “Carbonated Water, Natural Flavor.” The Nutrition Facts label can also help ensure that it has 0 calories, 0 fat, 0 sodium, 0 carbs, 0 total sugars, 0 added sugars, and 0 protein (see below). The can also typically boasts of “0% juice” content as well as no caffeine.
I tried sparkling waters from various brands in various flavors (including plain). I decided to also try prebiotic/probiotic sodas like OLIPOP and POPPI, whose advertisements claim that they offer a new kind of soda—one which tastes great and helps fortify the body’s digestion system.
What I did not include on this list: zero-sugar versions of popular soft drinks like Pepsi (which I hate because they contain artificial sweetners); and carbonated energy drinks like Celsius and Bloom (which I have tried, rejected, and moved on with my life). Beverages in those two categories in particular contain not insignificant doses of caffeine, and I’m not looking to get re-addicted to a substance that makes me (even more) jittery and anxious.
As you’ll see throughout the list, I was duped a few times—not realizing a product contained artificial sweeteners, which are so nasty that my considerable powers of histrionics and hyperbole fail me here. Anywho, for those of you who scan ingredient lists, here’s a list of artificial sweeteners to avoid if you wish to:
Acesulfame potassium (Sweet One, Sunett)
Advantame
Aspartame (NutraSweet, Equal)
Neotame (Newtame)
Thaumatin (Talin)
Saccharin (Sweet ‘n Low)
Sucralose (Splenda)
And now, the taste test results. I’ll be starting from 50 (the worst!) and working my way up to 1 (the best!). Each beverage comes primarily in a 12oz. can, unless otherwise noted. Enjoy!
50. OLIPOP Vintage Cola. Tastes like someone spilled a can of off-brand soda onto a dirt track through an overgrown meadow, then scooped the soda (and dirt, rocks, branches, dead bugs, etc.) back into the can. And then sealed it up and shipped it off. 0/10.
49. OLIPOP Classic Grape. Tastes vaguely (and almost inoffensively) of grape, but right on the grape taste’s heels is a kind of black licorice/fennel taste that made me nearly spit out the ghastly concoction. 0.2/10.
48. POPPI Classic Cola. Tastes just like a skunky Pepsi (one that has sat around in its case too long and has acquired a musty, stale flavor. Inadequate fizz, too. Not remotely potable. Dreadfully vegetal. And frankly, unforgivable. 0.2/10.
47. POPPI Lemon Lime. Tastes like a Sprite if it had been homemade by a sullen vegan who has never tasted Sprite, but who has heard rumors. Unfortunately, the sullen vegan was not listening carefully, and the rumored recipe is filled with half-truths and vague, alarming AI proclamations. 0.225/10.
46. OLIPOP Classic Root Beer. Tastes only vaguely like root beer and has very little carbonation to boot. An unholy, resinous mélange of ill-advised ingredients and wholly unearned hubris. Gross. Is there sulfur in here? Months-old romaine? 0.225/10.
45. Wegmans Wonder Pop (prebiotic soda), Grape. So many strange flavors have been assembled in an attempt to recreate grape soda. These efforts were in vain. There is the passing hint of (artificial) grape flavor, but not nearly enough to save this. Not by a long shot. 0.4/10.
44. Wegmans Wonder Pop (prebiotic soda), Lemon Lime. My best guess at the manufacturing process: they took five or six off-brand Wet-Naps, added some AJAX lemon-scented dishwashing liquid, and let them soak in a vat of tap water for 72 hours. The resultant potion was then robustly flatulated into—thereby creating its carbonation—then it was adjudged ready for comsumption. 0.425/10.
Friends, I have to interrupt myself here and tell you that I was excited to try these new prebiotic/probiotic sodas, as they have low sugar and are relatively low in calories. (And they’re everywhere, suddenly.) But these entries from 44-50 are the nastiest beverages I have ever had the misfortune of ingesting. 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮 They are—with no hyperbolic or theatrical flourishes—quite simply a crime against humanity. Additional note: these prebiotic/probiotic sodas are supposed to be great for gut health, but instead often cause bloating, gas, and abdominal pain.
Now back to the list!
43. Splash refresher (wild cherry). Here is the first of several duplicitous sparkling water-adjacent frauds. It is called “refresher” (rather than sparkling water), but shares shelves with legit sparkling water, so it was promising. Sadly, I neglected to read the ingredients. For true sparkling water, the ingredients should be carbonated water and natural flavors (or, if it’s plain, just carbonated water). Had I read the ingredients, I would have realized it had sucralose before I tasted it and was rendered mouth-sad by its artificial, engineered sweetness. Gross. 0.475/10.
42. Giant Clear Splash white grape sparkling water beverage. (1-liter plastic bottle.) Again, I missed the harbingers of faux-sparkling water calamity: the fact that it’s called “sparkling water beverage” and its ingredient list containing aspartame. This product comes in one-liter bottles that stand athwart legitimate sparkling water, entrapping the negligent browser. In my notes for this product, I wrote that it “has aspartame in it and is therefore unequivocally nasty as shit.” 0.475/10.
41. Wegmans blueberry nectarine sparkling water. (In addition to cans, most Wegmans Sparkling Water flavors are also available in 1 liter and .5 liter bottles.) Wegmans makes some respectable sparkling water (forthwith and hereafter abbreviated as “SW”), but this is not one of them. This unholy alliance presents with an acrid taste, then devolves into a caustic assault on the taste buds (and, I dare say, common decency). 0.6/10.
40. Waterloo lemon lime. Tastes like a (bad) chemical approximation of citrus that is—despite the fact that it’s water—dry. “I do not want this is my mouth,” I said. “That’s what she said,” I replied. 1.1/10.
39. Bubly lime. Phenolic notes with harsh mouthfeel. And a soapy aftertaste(?). Bubly makes some outstanding SW, but this is not one of them. Hard pass. 1.5/10.
38. LaCroix Pamplemousse. Right off the bat, the name pisses me off. It’s fucking grapefruit. Cut the shit. The taste is an acrid, faux-cirtus abomination that somehow also manages to taste musty. 1.7/10.
37. Giant lemon lime. Tart faux-Sprite that is both tasteless and overwhelming. A true contradiction. Also, a contraindication, in the immortal words of Claudius: “Gertrude, do not drink.” 1.8/10.
36. Giant lemon. Nearly indistinguishable from Giant lemon lime. Tastes like lemon meringue icing on a gas station snack cake that expired several months ago. 1.8/10.
35. Wegmans lemon. (In addition to cans, most Wegmans Sparkling Water flavors are also available in 1 liter and .5 liter bottles.) Why does he keep trying lemon SW if he hates it so much? you may ask. Because he is ineducable, I reply. This reminds me of getting a n unwanted nasty-ass lemon wedge on the rim of my water glass in a grimy diner. I also recorded in my notes: “this tastes like Pledge smells.” 2/10.
34. Bubly blueberry pomegranate. Here’s another disappointing Bubly offering—far less tasty than either of its flavors might be on its own. Like medicinal cardboard. 2.1/10.
33. Giant mandarin orange. Not terribly different from other mandarin orange SWs, but I do not like this flavor, so I spurn it. 2.2/10.
32. Wegmans grapefruit. (In addition to cans, most Wegmans Sparkling Water flavors are also available in 1 liter and .5 liter bottles.) No. Marginally better than the Pamplemousse horseshit, but still not quite pleasant. 2.3/10.
31. Wegmans mandarin orange. (In addition to cans, most Wegmans Sparkling Water flavors are also available in 1 liter and .5 liter bottles.) See #33 above. This at least approaches the general region of a drink that could—in some minor, almost accidental way—quench my thirst. 2.75/10.
30. LaCroix strawberry peach. No, the flavor clash is unexpected and devastating. I love strawberries but hate peaches, so there we are then. 2.8/10.
29. LaCroix tangerine. Tastes like tangerines and plastic. I hate tangerines but often dig the smell of new plastic. So it’s a conundrum. 2.8/10.
28. Good & Gather (Target brand) tropical cherry. Tastes unlike any other SW I have tried. Not in a good way, but in a profoundly hinky way. 2.8/10.
27. Sanavi organic sparkling spring water (Very Berry flavor). This is a hoity-toity, ludicrously overpriced SW whose only claim to fame seems to be the use of only organic natural flavors. The mouthfeel is right, with pleasant carbonation, but its taste is too reminiscent of cough syrup to be something I’d reach for. If there are no other liquids available, I’d deign to drink this. 4.6/10.
26. Vintage Seltzer pomegranate. (Sold in 1-liter plastic bottles.) It’s decent, but has far too harsh a mouthfeel. Nah. 5.2/10.
25. Polar Seltzer Jr. Yeti Mischief. (Sold in teensy 7.5-ounce cans.) This one tastes like fizzy Hawaiian punch, so the nostalgia factor makes this almost desirable. 5.6/10.
24. San Pellegrino Sparkling Natural Mineral Water. (Sold in 25.3-ounce glass bottles.) The bottle is cool-looking. But it’s downhill from there: such a dearth of fizz that it was almost imperceptible. The taste is slightly salty with a dry finish and an astringent aftertaste. And there’s 20mg of sodium per bottle—not excessive, but why is sodium in there at all? 5.7/10.
23. Topo Chico carbonated mineral water. (Sold in 600mL plastic bottles, 12-ounce glass bottles, and some are available in cans.) This is fine. I had heard that this brand, produced exclusively in Monterrey, Mexico, would change my life. My socks are still on. 5.9/10.
22. VOSS Sparkling Artesian Water from Norway. (Sold in 27.05-ounce glass bottles.) This one was a major disappointment. VOSS in its still form is pure perfection: a crisp, clean, and completely refreshing elixir. This sparkling version—while still housed in the iconic cylindrical bottle that’s a triumph of Scandinavian minimalism—has small, angry bubbles that dissipate quickly; by the third sip, the carbonation had all but abandoned this forlorn libation. It lacked the smooth self-assuredness of VOSS in still form. And it has 35mg of sodium per bottle, which isn’t going to break most diets, but—why is it there? 5.975/10.
21. Wegmans green apple. (In addition to cans, most Wegmans Sparkling Water flavors are also available in 1 liter and .5 liter bottles.) It’s acceptable in a pinch. I almost want more. Almost. 6/10.
20. Wegmans cranberry apple. (In addition to cans, most Wegmans Sparkling Water flavors are also available in 1 liter and .5 liter bottles.) This is a seasonal concoction that boasts a nice flavor combination, but fails to distinguish itself in any meaningful way. 6.2/10.
19. Rambler Wild Cherry sparkling water (limestone mineral blend) is made in Austin and is the subject of much adulation among SW drinkers. It was not bad, but the taste is ultimately uneven and a tad harsh. Bottom line: didn’t change my life. Another strike against it: Rambler is only available at one retailer—Walmart. 6.4/10.
18. Waterloo black cherry is aight. The flavor is a bit too thin—and the carbonation a bit too aggressive—to make this a staple. Not a huge fan of Waterloo as a brand, and rearranging its component parts gives it a revealing, and more accurate, name: LOO WATER. 6.5/10.
17. Wegmans black cherry vanilla. (In addition to cans, most Wegmans Sparkling Water flavors are also available in 1 liter and .5 liter bottles.) This SW tastes more like vanilla than cherry; it’s decent, but I’d really have to be in the mood for this specific taste. 6.8/10.
16. Wegmans orange pineapple. (In addition to cans, most Wegmans Sparkling Water flavors are also available in 1 liter and .5 liter bottles.) The pineapple balances out the overpowering citrus flavor profile. It’s like mayochup: it’s a mash-up that has no earthly business working, but it god damn does. I liked this more than I thought I would. 7/10.
15. Polar pomegranate. (Many Polar SW varieties are available in 1-liter plastic bottles in addition to 12oz. cans.) This hard-to-find flavor is not exciting enough to warrant the effort it took to procure it. Harsh with a generic taste. 7.2/10.
14. Wegmans raspberry. (In addition to cans, most Wegmans Sparkling Water flavors are also available in 1 liter and .5 liter bottles.) This is OK, but a bit harsh. I don’t want my taste buds to be jostled around in a mosh pit. I want them to be coddled and refreshed. 7.2/10.
13. Wegmans mixed berry. (In addition to cans, most Wegmans Sparkling Water flavors are also available in 1 liter and .5 liter bottles.) Similar to polar pom: unremarkable, but serviceable. The mayonnaise of SWs. This SW is suffering from an identity crisis. 7.3/10.
12. Wegmans passion fruit. (In addition to cans, most Wegmans Sparkling Water flavors are also available in 1 liter and .5 liter bottles.) This variety is fine, but it has a faint but noticeable peachy aftertaste that I would find periodically objectionable. Mood-dependent. 7.3/10.
11. Wegmans plain SW. (In addition to cans, most Wegmans Sparkling Water flavors are also available in 1 liter and .5 liter bottles.) I think the absence of flavor will be a nice change of pace now and again. No-frills, old-fashioned, competent SW. 7.7/10.
10. Wegmans ginger. (In addition to cans, most Wegmans Sparkling Water flavors are also available in 1 liter and .5 liter bottles.) Has a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor—heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. (Bonus points if you can place the movie reference.) Honestly, I can’t distinguish this from the plain. 7.7/10.
9. Polar black cherry. (Many Polar SW varieties are available in 1-liter plastic bottles in addition to 12oz. cans.) Milder and tastier than the Loo Water version. 7.85/10.
8. Maison Perrier Ultimate unflavored. (Sold in 11.15-ounce cans as well as 16.9-ounce plastic bottles.) Delightfully neutral taste and mouthfeel; has a bit less carbonation than I’d prefer, but it’s a solid option. 8/10.
7. Maison Perrier forever strawberry. (These come in 11.15-ounce cans.) This delicate wonder has milder carbonation and a subtler strawberry taste than its American cousins. Oui, I dig it. 8.2/10.
6. Bubly blackberry. This is pretty, pretty, pretty good. 8.3/10.
5. Bubly srrawberry. I really like this one. Crisp, refreshing, and authentically evokes the flavor of my favorite fruit. 8.8/10.
4. Bubly cherry. Even a hair better than the strawberry. The flavor is rich but not overpowering. In the same way that grape flavoring tastes nothing like actual grapes, cherry flavoring tastes nothing like actual cherries. It matters not. WTG, Bubly. 9/10.
3. Wegmans cherry pomegranate. (In addition to cans, most Wegmans Sparkling Water flavors are also available in 1 liter and .5 liter bottles.) This SW is the quintessence of the age-old idiom “Greater than the sum of its parts.” I don’t like it; I love it. 9.8/10.
2. LaCroix Pure (plain) SW. This SW is nigh flawless: clean, refreshing, and delightfully effervescent. The carbonation is spot-on. 9.9/10.
1. Saratoga Sparkling Carefully Curated Carbonated Spring Water. (Sold in 28-ounce glass bottles as well as 28-ounce, 16-ounce, and 12-ounce plastic bottles.) Friends, I was just itching to hate this one because of the pretentious mouthful of a name. But that pretentious mouthful of a name has been fully earned. Hold on to your tighty-whities, because this shit is TRANSCENDENT. Perfection itself. The carbonation is potent but not overpowering; the SW is almost preternaturally crisp and refreshing (nay, that’s too pedestrian a word; revivifying is a better adjective). A positively enchanting libation. The nectar of the gods. 10/10 no notes.
So where do I go from here? I’ve heard good things about Canada Dry Original Sparkling Seltzer Water and Trader Joe’s sparkling water, so I intend to try them. Aldi’s SW brand, called Belle Vie, has its fans and its detractors.
And there’s a very hard-to-find Saratoga flavored sparkling water called Untitled Berry No. 3. I have procured this, and am practically vibrating with anticipation.
And you, Dear Reader - please send me an email (or leave a comment here) if you have a carbonated soda alternative that you love. I will try it!