Monsoon's Time Capsule: Today was like a terd struck me!

As I opened the box, I felt as though I was revealing the contents of a time capsule, sealed nearly thirty years ago.  In the box—obtained from my parents, who are cleaning out their storage cellar—were artifacts from my first few years of school.  I took a deep breath and dug in.

In excavating my wonder years (at Cole Manor Elementary School - what what!), I found stories I had written, pictures I had drawn, simple poetry and yellowed report cards and autograph books.  But what I found most engrossing were two journals I wrote in 1st and 2nd grade, respectively.  As the note from the teacher stapled to the front cover explained, the journal’s “purpose was to encourage the expression of thoughts and feelings in writing.  Some of what is written may by very personal to your child.”

Here is one of the first entries of the first journal, written when I was seven years old:

In combing through these journals, I found much of value: reminders of old feuds and crushes; evidence of the deeply nerdy and spastic manner in which I conducted myself; remembrance of happy times in what, in recollection, often seems to be a somewhat less than happy childhood.  (And some of it confirms that perceived unhappiness.)  Most of all, many of the entries are just a jumbled mess of goofiness, still-developing syntax, scatological humor, and utter confusion.

I present here a selection of the most memorable entries—the masterful similes, the eloquent summative statements about lousy days, the beginnings of my storied fussiness, the obsession with fecal matters, the allusions to 1980s television, the burgeoning awareness of girls, the angry denunciations of my peers, and more—all of which is presented unedited, as written.  Please, enjoy.

The first journal was from first grade, so I was 7 years old.

Today boggie shnot was dripping out of my nose!

Today is art.  Nodbody hardly talked to me!

We had art today.  Today is a fartty! day!

Yesterday I could of pooped!  My mom drived me nuts!

Today ain’t very good.  Today was like a terd struck me!

Ah yes, the great cosmic terd (properly spelled "turd," but whatever).  As Longfellow famously wrote, "Into every life a little terd must fall."

Today I went to the bathroom at scholl, and I didn’t have the runs.

I must break in here to observe several patterns already emerging: I was preoccupied with fluids and secretions; I was fond of the exclamatory; I did not care for art class—more on that later—and I was actually kind of lonely.

Today smells like poop!

Today Roberrt brought a picture of naked wimmin in today.  I’ll show you. 

And I did, by drawing crude renderings of the breasts and buttocks that lingered in my imagination after Robbie Mitchell—he’s to my left in the class picture—showed me the smut.  I am in the white plaid shirt; Robbie’s shirt is red and blue.

Aside from those identified in the text: middle row, far left is Luke Embree; middle row, third from left is Craig Smyser; top row, fourth from left is Robbie Fisher; and top row, next to teacher is Christine Oliver.

Everybody kiss my grits!

Today Dee was hilarious. 

That would be Dee Herbert, top left in the photo, who gave me my first kiss in Kindergarten.

Today Amanda was hit by alot of cheese!

Note the passive construction here: Amanda was hit avoids the delicate question of who did the throwing of the cheese.  I don’t recall that it was me, but I cannot rule it out.

Today was like a fart.

Today – toilet.

Today Robert was on the stage for the 9th time! 

Again, Robbie Mitchell.  Children who misbehaved during lunch were forced to stand on the stage to be ridiculed by the rest of the student body.  In reality, few dared ridicule these kids, as they were usually the baddest asses among us.

__________________________________________________________ 

The second journal was from second grade, so I was eight years old.  Here I acquired a more sophisticated vocabulary, wrote more complex sentences, and must have even learned “cursive” (script writing), as there is evidence of such writing herein.

Today is the first day of school.  I feel Absouluteley, Positively, lousy!!!! about coming to school today.

Today Sucks!

Today was suckey.

Glen learned a new word over the summer, evidently. 

Today we had Mrs. Farb for reading.  She is terrible.

I don’t recall what was so terrible about her, but seeing the name did evoke a sort of visceral revulsion in me.

Today I ate my finger.

No, I did not.

Today Adam is DEAD!  Because Adam likes Denise and so do I, and Adam likes STEPHANIE and so doe Bruce!

Detail: Monsoon, grade 2

That would be Adam Vogin—front row, right side, smartly dressed in a navy blue three-piece suit and docksiders—and Bruce Jacoby—front row left, maroon checkered blazer.  Oh, and Stephanie Smith, to my right in the light pink dress.  I had my first date with Stephanie in 5th grade: my mom took us to see A Christmas Story and went to see another movie.  Stephanie sat in the aisle seat and put her coat in the seat next to her.  I spent the beginning of the film brooding from two seats away, but quickly got caught up in the hilarity of the movie.  And check out Mrs. Bair, whom I had a major crush on.  But I digress.

Today I wanted to sit next to Denise in the play, but I didnt.

Today is really cruddy!

Today I wen’t nuts!  Everybody says “Like yer lady shirt”!  I was about to kill them!

I know not what shirt had drawn the ridicule of my peers, but I recall having clothing-related distress even in Kindergarten.  My mother would dress me in a tan, ribbed turtleneck shirt and brown corduroy pants, and each time I was forcibly clad in this earthy fashion tomb, I suffered untold anguish.  In addition, I was beginning to get a bit of a belly (as you can see in the baseball picture), so when my mother took me to Penney’s to shop for school clothes, she would blare as we entered the boys’ section: “Where’s the husky section?  Do you’s have husky pants?”  And I would die, die, die.

Eddie Oceluss’s _____ is grass today!  Kendall is gonna beat his _____!  I’m sure were gonna win the fight.

Clearly “ass” is the omitted word, and I think that I took no part in any such dust-up.  Sadly, no picture of Eddie, or Kendall.  Kendall was a young black man who was always getting in trouble.  Usually we were on good terms, but in 3rd or 4th grade I called him a “fartface” while getting off the bus, and he pummeled the ever-loving shit out of me by the monkey bars.

Geic!  We have our book test on Monday.  My black eye is healing up.  I had the most terriblist dream of all of the centurys!

No word on what the dream entailed, or what “Geic” means.  Lost to the ages. 

I am frusturated!  My friend [crossed out theatrically] bruce told denise that I made a crank phone call on her!  (But I didnt!)

Really: I may have.

Today we are having spaghetti for lunch and having a play at 11:00.  The play is cinderella and I think I’m going to hate it!

Today I think is going to be a bad day Because Kendall has been picking on me.  I think kendall is every curse in the world that anybody ever said!

This was around the time we got HBO and my parents would let me watch George Carlin specials with them, so I could have actually supplied more than a few of these curses.

Today I am buying lunch.  We are having Cheeseburgers.  I like them.  Today Kendall is picking on me like I was a nose!

Today I fell in love.  This sexy fox came walking down our bus stop.  I fell down.  And that is all I have to say today.

These were apparently my first blues lyrics.  Really, though: can there be any more succinct statement of the devastation that results when love strikes?

Yesterday I saw flash gordon on home box.  I might to Denise to the movies if she wants to go and her parents let her go.  I am paying for it.  We are seeing Robin Hood.  I love her.  I hope my mom sits in the row in front of us so we can be necking during the movie.

Today we have a contest.  I don’t know what it is though.  I think it is going to be a dumb contest.

Here we see the beginnings of my cynicism: I do not know what the contest is, but I know it will be dumb.

Today Denise is absent.  I think Stephanie likes me.  I don’t know why but I think she likes me.  Kathy has poison ivy so she better not touch me.

Reality check: Denise is trying to avoid me; Stephanie does not like me (see above); Kathy does not even want to get near my cootie-ridden self.

We have art today.  I HATE ART!!!!!

Today I am going to a Phillies game.  They are playing the Giants.  I hope the Phillies win.  I really like Mike Schmidt.

Little League, right around this time. I would spend much of my time standing in the outfield swatting at chiggers, or riding the bench. The outfit in which I am clad is just stone cold sexy: rolled-up jeans, polo shirt collar poking fashionably out of uniform t-shirt, sweatshirt under the t-shirt. Need I go on? Oh, and that's Adam Vogin again, sitting closest to me.

Art was fun yesterday.  I am going to be so bored because you know how I hate violin music.

Alright, so I like art now, but I have a well-renowned aversion to classical music.

Today we didnt go to the zoo!  I am so mad I could spit nickels!  We are going on June 3!

Either my mom or my nana or both used this phrase: “spit nickels.”  Could I have really been this worked up about the postponement of our field trip?  Or did I just want to wield that cutting phrase?

Today we are seeing the Muppet movie.  I liked it the first time and I am willing to see it again.

__________________________________________________________ 

And that’s that.  First grade began with my favorite hanky, and second grade ended with a frank, controlled keenness to see The Muppet Movie for the second time.

It’s all so much clearer now…

Monsoon