Monsoon's Forecast: Winter isn't finished with us yet...
Temperatures on Friday will reach the mid to upper 60s, challenging record highs in some places. So we’re finished with sub-freezing temperatures, winter weather, and school scheduling disruptions, right?
LOL, my hopeful friends. Your optimism truly has me ROFL.
Anywho.
The answers are no, probably not, and possibly not. I mean, the angle of the sun is changing every day, becoming more direct; and a good deal of the snowpack has melted. But still, those are my answers.
Here are the details:
Friday 2/18: partly cloudy and breezy with strong winds developing Friday evening and overnight. Afternoon high of 66; there is the slight chance of a passing shower in the afternoon. Clearing overnight and markedly colder with a low of 38.
Why do I have a picture of Charles "Boobie" Clark, famed Bethune-Cookman alum and 1970s Cincinnati Bengals running back, on this blog entry? Is his glowering, afroed presence somehow germane to my discussion of the weather? No, my good people. I have invited him here simply because it seemed like the thing to do. Enjoy.
Saturday 2/19: partly to mostly cloudy and really damned windy. The afternoon high of 48 will actually feel more like 32 because of the winds. Winds diminish later; overnight low of 22.
Sunday 2/20: overcast with a chance of rain and drizzle, especially later in the afternoon and in the evening. High 44, low 32. Becoming rather breezy late.
Monday 2/21: cloudy and windy with a bit of rain likely. High 45, low 24. (But wind chills at night and overnight will be in the single digits.)
Tuesday 2/22: a lot depends of track and timing here, but we could get some snow overnight Monday into Tuesday morning. Be sure to check back on Monday (or before, if new information comes to light) for updates, but as of now I’d say you should expect an inch or two of wet snow and minimal travel/school disruptions. I know, you’re all, like, ONNA, but I’m all, TWIS, so GOI.
Whatever the case, it’s going to be windy and colder on Tuesday. Look for overcast skies; high 36 (wind chills in the 20s), low 21 (wind chills in the teens).
Wednesday 2/23: sunny, nice, calmer wind. High 43, low 28.
Thursday 2/24: partly cloudy and cool, but seasonably so (average high for this time of year is 43 or 44 degrees). High 46, low 30. IMHO, this will be the last day for a while that will see below-freezing temperatures. JK! See Friday. And Sunday. And beyond.
Friday 2/25: clouds build in ahead of a system that will affect our area next weekend. Look for warm southeast winds that will usher in warmer air. High 44, low 29.
Next weekend: at this point, it looks like a hot mess. We’ll get up into the upper 50s on a rainy Saturday, then nosedive into the teens overnight into Sunday. People will be, like, OMG, it’s cold! And someone else will be, like, WDYM? It’s still winter! Look for highs barely above freezing on Sunday and Monday, the last two days of February.
Beyond: this system really has my attention. It’s looking like the first two days of March could signal a slam-bang, lead-blanket, charging-rhino type of winter weather event. (I don’t know precisely what I meant by all of those terms, but they sound good and alarming, do they not?)
TTYL,
Update
on 2011-02-18 12:40 by Monsoon Martin
I decided to provide a "key" for my chat/texting abbreviations... I will confess that while writing the post I had to look a few of these up to make sure I was using them properly...
LOL = laugh out loud
ROFL = rolling on the floor laughing
ONNA = oh no, not again
TWIS = that's what I said!
GOI = get over it
IMHO = in my humble opinion
JK = just kidding!
OMG = oh my gosh
WDYM = what do you mean?
TTYL = talk to you later...
Holy Mess: The Aftermath + what's next?
As I look out my window at still-covered limbs and power lines (as well as plenty of twigs and branches on the ground), I am thankful mine is not one of the thousands of households in the area that lost power. Aside from the outages, we're dealing with dense fog in some areas (particularly Delaware and South Jersey) due to the rapidity of temperature change.
The weather stations in the area are all above freezing as of now (12:30pm) - between 33 and 37 degrees, generally. Expect afternoon highs to approach 40 before beginning the plummet after 5pm or so, eventually reaching 20 degrees by the Thursday morning commute. We could see a rain or snow shower or two late this afternoon or evening, but nothing major.
Thursday will be mostly sunny and colder, with a high struggling to reach 30 and gusty daytime winds. Friday will also be sunny but less windy; high will be at 32 or so.
Probability of at least a delay Thursday, 75% (as I said, it's going to be around 20 in time for the morning commute, and some folks--not to mention schools--will still be dealing with power outages by tomorrow morning. And this afternoon's meltage could refreeze as well.)
Probability of cancellation Thursday, 55% (for the reasons listed above.)
Probability of at least a delay Friday, 60% (temperatures will be in the mid teens during the Friday morning commute, so things could be dicey again.)
Probability of cancellation Friday, 35% (for the reasons listed above. Plus, at this point, what's another snow day? Mifflin has now had five.)
The next system to affect our area will move in Friday night - snow showers will begin by 9 or 10pm and continue overnight, with the steadiest precipitation to fall late Saturday morning into Saturday afternoon. The system winds up with some snow showers approaching midnight Saturday. There will likely be some mixing (snow mixed with sleet or even freezing rain for a time), but the majority of this precipitation will be snow. I expect 3 to 5 inches of accumulation here.
I heard that stream of profanity, and it's not very couth, my friend. We're all frustrated by this brutal winter. But hey - Punxsutawney Phil didn't see his shadow this morning, so we're in for an early spring! Well no, I don't think it's anatomically possible for a groundhog to do that to himself.
There's the further possibility of snow and mixed precipitation on Monday 2/7 into Tuesday 2/8.
Alright, using those words is just uncalled for. Surely we can express ourselves more appropriately? We're two-thirds of the way through meteorological winter (December, January, February) and this is the shortest month of the year! No, I will not take a long walk off a short pier. That's just hateful.
And Saturday the 12th into Sunday the 13th could be ugly as well.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Honestly, I've never heard such filth in all my life. What the h-e-double-hockey sticks is going on here, guys? Alright, for those of you who feel you need profanity to express your rage, perhaps this clip will be cathartic:
Stay tuned for updates...
Midweek storm: the aftermath and looking ahead...
First, the storm that dumped all kinds of snow on us, reminding us of the difference in weight between a shovelful of powder and a shovelful of wet snow. I received reports of thundersnow and lightning in Lindenwold, Newtown, Phoenixville and Center City Philadelphia; snowfall rates of nearly 2" per hour throughout southwest Jersey, Bucks and Montgomery Counties; and near-whiteout conditions in New Castle, the Philadelphia suburbs north and west, and Havertown.
Total accumulations ranged from 7-8 inches in western Berks to 11-12 inches in southwest Berks; 12-16 inches in Bucks, Montgomery, and Chester Counties, as well as in the Illadelph. Parts of central and southern New Jersey got more than a foot and a half due to banding (concentrated areas of heavy snowfall).
Anywho, we now need to turn our attention to three more winter storms that will impact our area to varying degrees. Let me break it down like it's Hammer Time.
Little Clipper, Friday. (pronounced "Leetle Cleeper" a la the criminally underrated Nacho Libre in the sign-off of Ignacio's letter to Sister Encarnación: "Hug hug, kees kees, hug hug, beeg kees, leetle hug, kees kess, leetle keesss.")
Look for intermittent light snow anytime from the Friday morning commute through late afternoon. Accumulations will be an inch at most and will generally have little to no impact on travel, but use caution just in case.
Probability of delay Friday, 20% (due to refreezing of melted snow from Wednesday's storm along with panicking resulting from the light snowfall)
Little Clipper, Saturday. Right now it looks like this system will be even more moisture-starved, so accumulations will be held down to the "coating to a half-inch" range. Again, look for flurries and light snow showers anytime between roughly 11am and 8pm.
Nor'easter, Tuesday-Wednesday. This storm bears a lot of similarities to the one that just walloped us. Of course, track and temperature are of utmost importance in determining what kind of event we'll have to contend with, but right now it's looking like all snow and a decent amount of it. We're five days from this event, though, so a lot can happen in that period.
Stay tuned for further updates!
Monsoon on next week's potential baaaaaad mother-(shut yo mouth)
Already following that strange little storm system overnight--which gave a delay to some, converting a half-day into a nearly full day--the streets are abuzz with talk of a monster storm next week. So here's my initial take and a heads-up...
The GFS has a ton of moisture and a strongly defined closed low. Keep in mind that these models are only forecasting tools, but if this comes to fruition...oooo-wee!It's a classic Nor'easter setting up, most likely arriving early Tuesday morning and ending by Wednesday evening. Right now it looks as though it'll snow heavily throughout that period--with strong winds blowing the snow slantways and greatly diminishing visibility.
The forecast models are blowing this into a major storm, but there are several factors (including storm track, warm air aloft, and the amount of moisture available) that could mix the snow with rain or give us just a glancing blow.
Here's what I think: due to a trough of cold air settling into the area, I think this'll be all snow, at least for us in the Berks region. I also think it'll be a slow-moving system that has the potential to churn away over our area for up to 36 hours. The damage: two feet of snow and at least two more snow days.
But hey - there are 3 1/2 days between now and then, and a lot can change in that space for the reasons mentioned above. I'll be able to give a more definitive forecast on Sunday and/or Monday. Until then, it might not be a bad idea to reassess your travel schedule for Tuesday and Wednesday...just in case.
It's a complicated storm, and no one understands it but Monsoo-oon
Daaaaaaamn right.
Monsoon's Forecast for the Tuesday-Wednesday storm
First, my good people, it is cold out there. “Cold” call I it, for, to define true coldness, what is ‘t but to be nothing else but cold? That it’s cold, ‘tis true; ‘tis cold, ‘tis pity, and pity ‘tis ‘tis true.
Brr.
As for the Tuesday-Wednesday storm, my plan is this: to offer a forecast now (roughly 36 hours prior to the event) and to send out an update Tuesday morning (12 hours prior) fine-tuning my forecast. I may even send out an update later today if the situation warrants it…
Driving through the county on Saturday morning and sliding on surfaces both treated and untreated, secondary and primary—I was reminded how just a wee bit of snow can wreak travel havoc. We only got an inch or so, but there were at least four accidents on local roads in less than an hour Saturday morning.
So…even if we only get a coating, roads can become treacherous. Be careful.
Here’s the forecast: Light snow arrives by mid-afternoon Tuesday and intensifies Tuesday night by 8 or 9pm. Snow is steadiest overnight, then begins to taper to light snow showers by 7 or 8am and should end by late morning.
Temperatures steady in the upper 20s.
Snow totals:
4-6 inches Berks
3-5 inches Lancaster
Fewer than 3 inches Lebanon and west
6-8 inches Philadelphia, Montgomery, and Chester Counties
5-7 inches Lehigh
7-9 inches Bucks
8-10 inches plus for central and northern NJ
Percentages, school scheduling disruptions, Berks region:
Tuesday early dismissal, 20%
Wednesday delay, 85% (that’s the chance that we’ll have at least a delay)
Wednesday cancellation, 65%
Introducing ... ARMANI SPADE
Back in the early 90s, I was on the Campus Center Board (CCB) at Albright, an organization that brought comedians and recording artists to campus and set up events for the student body. We got some great young comics, including Jay Mohr (he was great, and I remember him raving about the new Beastie Boys album), Janeane Garofalo (she was rather unpleasant, and stood outside smoking until the last possible moment she had to go onstage), and Renee Hicks (she was bald, apparently by choice). We also received tons of demos, including one that stood out to me: A Recluse by a Brooklyn-based artist named Armani Spade.
Well. To say it “stood out” is actually a dreadful understatement; it resonated with me so profoundly that I soon became an Armani Spade evangelist, playing the cassette’s hottest tracks for everyone I knew. The cassette’s three main tunes—it also includes an extended instrumental piece called “India (Meditation)” that comprises all of side A, and an instrumental version of “More About Your Eyes”—are a mélange of synthesized rhythm and melody lines, potent and poetic lyricism, and unforgettable vocals. Each song is embedded in this post—though they’re on YouTube, the only video is a still image of the cassette cover.
(Special thanks to Bill Snelling for converting the songs from cassette to CD for me, so I could share them with the world.)
Allow me to deconstruct each track here.
The best place to start is with the first song on side B, “More About Your Eyes.” The piece is a study in the tension that exists in the space between desire and attainment, that magnificent limbo from which Spade sings and raps about his amorous intentions. At 1:21, the song’s energy shifts, underscored by an ominous tone, as Spade raps, “Gettin’ next to you in latitude.” The climax follows immediately thereafter as he then wills his voice into a previously unattained tonal range and sings, “Listen to what I say! / It feels better this way / Don’t tell me to go / ‘Cause I won’t leave you no / But if I do and I got spare time / I will think about you all the while / Nothing could take my mind from you / ‘Cause you’re all I want to do.”
Once the song has reached these heights and Armani has employed a sophisticated vocal overlay, the listener is left with the pulsing swish of a heartbeat—an afterglow, if you will, befitting the emotional and romantic journey he’s just taken us on.
Though spent by the power of “Eyes,” we have no time to recover before “Could I Get A Little Closer,” which begins with a fierce warning yawp from Spade that announces his passion will not be denied. Again, the lyrics best lay bare the astuteness of this piece: “I called you up on the phone / To come to my pad, my crib, my home / To talk about the birds and the bees / The chemistry between my bed, you and me / There’s nothing else that you can say to me / ‘Cause I’m lookin’ at your body in a sexual degree.”
The chorus consists of an iteration of the title in harmonized vocal overlay, which is followed by the somewhat more direct plea, “Could I get beside you? / Could I get inside you?” The song is then dominated by an extended keyboard solo—first in a synthesized xylophone, then in a synthesized saxophone—that fully comprises the final three minutes of the piece.
Thirdly, and lastly--but most definitely not leastly--is a composition called simply “Relax,” whose refrain, “Cool cool out, cool out / Cool cool out, cool out,” will be echoing merrily through your ears for many days to come. “Relax” is the dance club hit that never was. It features a jangly riff, throbbing beat, and manic vocals that must be heard to be truly appreciated. The opening lines here, about the singer’s attempts to initiate a romantic relationship through physical gyrations, are deep and instantly grab the listener’s attention: “I remember when I was at the club / Dancin’ with a girl, tryin’ to get some / Then you walked through the door / My eyes and yours made four.” Having laid his two eyes on her two, he then proceeds to praise her physical attributes in the most flattering terms: “You’re more than a man could feed on / Skin so smooth, legs so strong.”
Into this fledgling encounter comes an apparently exotropic Cupid, looking simultaneously with one eye at Armani and with the other at Armani’s quarry. The song concludes with negligee, romance, poor dancing, barely averted fistfights, and a final exhortation to relax.
Having been so affected by this man’s music, I embarked on a more than 15-year crusade to find him, and/or more of his tuneful output. Using clues from his cassette cover (his Brooklyn address, the people he thanked, etc.), I finally tracked him down in 2009.
As it turns out, Armani Spade is just his stage name; his given name is Walde Murray. In a few brief conversations, I learnt much about how Walde became Armani. For some reason, he was surprised (but delighted) that someone wanted to talk about his music.
A Recluse was the most professionally recorded piece he did; all else that exists are snippets and unfinished songs. He can see the other songs’ potential, he said, but to someone else it might sound like nothing. “Somebody could look into Stephen King’s book and they see scratches and scribbles and things, even in a verbal sense,” he explained.
He told me that he writes “straight out, from the inside out,” eschewing any pattern or methodology. “You write it in such a way that you amaze yourself, or somebody else comes along and says, it’s not much there,” he said. “But then, something came out of it.” He likened his songwriting style to that of the late King of Pop, Michael Jackson. Recently, Jackson released an album of unfinished songs that illustrated the need for a good producer to “draw out” the music’s potential. “Let’s use a real bass guitarist, or a real piano-ist [he or she might say],” making magic from “unrefined work.”
Armani Spade received “great responses” to the cassette when it was released. However, he had no luck taking his tracks to radio stations and asking them to play his music. “If it had been a known star,” he observed, “it would have been played.”
Walde Murray has spent the past nine years in the US Army, which does not afford him the time or resources to continue his music dreams. While it’s important to “follow your heart,” it’s also important to make a decent living, he said. However, when he retires to the reserve, he plans to renew his pursuit of music stardom, as he is still formulating ideas and writing songs. “I’m keeping my head into the up-to-date stuff” as a way to stay in tune with modern musical sensibilities, he said.
“I need to keep my eye on the ball,” he said, “and the ball is music.”
Monsoon's Time Capsule: Today was like a terd struck me!
Today boggie shnot was dripping out of my nose!
Today is art. Nodbody hardly talked to me!
We had art today. Today is a fartty! day!
Yesterday I could of pooped! My mom drived me nuts!
As I opened the box, I felt as though I was revealing the contents of a time capsule, sealed nearly thirty years ago. In the box—obtained from my parents, who are cleaning out their storage cellar—were artifacts from my first few years of school. I took a deep breath and dug in.
In excavating my wonder years (at Cole Manor Elementary School - what what!), I found stories I had written, pictures I had drawn, simple poetry and yellowed report cards and autograph books. But what I found most engrossing were two journals I wrote in 1st and 2nd grade, respectively. As the note from the teacher stapled to the front cover explained, the journal’s “purpose was to encourage the expression of thoughts and feelings in writing. Some of what is written may by very personal to your child.”
Here is one of the first entries of the first journal, written when I was seven years old:
In combing through these journals, I found much of value: reminders of old feuds and crushes; evidence of the deeply nerdy and spastic manner in which I conducted myself; remembrance of happy times in what, in recollection, often seems to be a somewhat less than happy childhood. (And some of it confirms that perceived unhappiness.) Most of all, many of the entries are just a jumbled mess of goofiness, still-developing syntax, scatological humor, and utter confusion.
I present here a selection of the most memorable entries—the masterful similes, the eloquent summative statements about lousy days, the beginnings of my storied fussiness, the obsession with fecal matters, the allusions to 1980s television, the burgeoning awareness of girls, the angry denunciations of my peers, and more—all of which is presented unedited, as written. Please, enjoy.
The first journal was from first grade, so I was 7 years old.
Today boggie shnot was dripping out of my nose!
Today is art. Nodbody hardly talked to me!
We had art today. Today is a fartty! day!
Yesterday I could of pooped! My mom drived me nuts!
Today ain’t very good. Today was like a terd struck me!
Ah yes, the great cosmic terd (properly spelled "turd," but whatever). As Longfellow famously wrote, "Into every life a little terd must fall."
Today I went to the bathroom at scholl, and I didn’t have the runs.
I must break in here to observe several patterns already emerging: I was preoccupied with fluids and secretions; I was fond of the exclamatory; I did not care for art class—more on that later—and I was actually kind of lonely.
Today smells like poop!
Today Roberrt brought a picture of naked wimmin in today. I’ll show you.
And I did, by drawing crude renderings of the breasts and buttocks that lingered in my imagination after Robbie Mitchell—he’s to my left in the class picture—showed me the smut. I am in the white plaid shirt; Robbie’s shirt is red and blue.
Aside from those identified in the text: middle row, far left is Luke Embree; middle row, third from left is Craig Smyser; top row, fourth from left is Robbie Fisher; and top row, next to teacher is Christine Oliver.
Everybody kiss my grits!
Today Dee was hilarious.
That would be Dee Herbert, top left in the photo, who gave me my first kiss in Kindergarten.
Today Amanda was hit by alot of cheese!
Note the passive construction here: Amanda was hit avoids the delicate question of who did the throwing of the cheese. I don’t recall that it was me, but I cannot rule it out.
Today was like a fart.
Today – toilet.
Today Robert was on the stage for the 9th time!
Again, Robbie Mitchell. Children who misbehaved during lunch were forced to stand on the stage to be ridiculed by the rest of the student body. In reality, few dared ridicule these kids, as they were usually the baddest asses among us.
__________________________________________________________
The second journal was from second grade, so I was eight years old. Here I acquired a more sophisticated vocabulary, wrote more complex sentences, and must have even learned “cursive” (script writing), as there is evidence of such writing herein.
Today is the first day of school. I feel Absouluteley, Positively, lousy!!!! about coming to school today.
Today Sucks!
Today was suckey.
Glen learned a new word over the summer, evidently.
Today we had Mrs. Farb for reading. She is terrible.
I don’t recall what was so terrible about her, but seeing the name did evoke a sort of visceral revulsion in me.
Today I ate my finger.
No, I did not.
Today Adam is DEAD! Because Adam likes Denise and so do I, and Adam likes STEPHANIE and so doe Bruce!
Detail: Monsoon, grade 2
That would be Adam Vogin—front row, right side, smartly dressed in a navy blue three-piece suit and docksiders—and Bruce Jacoby—front row left, maroon checkered blazer. Oh, and Stephanie Smith, to my right in the light pink dress. I had my first date with Stephanie in 5th grade: my mom took us to see A Christmas Story and went to see another movie. Stephanie sat in the aisle seat and put her coat in the seat next to her. I spent the beginning of the film brooding from two seats away, but quickly got caught up in the hilarity of the movie. And check out Mrs. Bair, whom I had a major crush on. But I digress.
Today I wanted to sit next to Denise in the play, but I didnt.
Today is really cruddy!
Today I wen’t nuts! Everybody says “Like yer lady shirt”! I was about to kill them!
I know not what shirt had drawn the ridicule of my peers, but I recall having clothing-related distress even in Kindergarten. My mother would dress me in a tan, ribbed turtleneck shirt and brown corduroy pants, and each time I was forcibly clad in this earthy fashion tomb, I suffered untold anguish. In addition, I was beginning to get a bit of a belly (as you can see in the baseball picture), so when my mother took me to Penney’s to shop for school clothes, she would blare as we entered the boys’ section: “Where’s the husky section? Do you’s have husky pants?” And I would die, die, die.
Eddie Oceluss’s _____ is grass today! Kendall is gonna beat his _____! I’m sure were gonna win the fight.
Clearly “ass” is the omitted word, and I think that I took no part in any such dust-up. Sadly, no picture of Eddie, or Kendall. Kendall was a young black man who was always getting in trouble. Usually we were on good terms, but in 3rd or 4th grade I called him a “fartface” while getting off the bus, and he pummeled the ever-loving shit out of me by the monkey bars.
Geic! We have our book test on Monday. My black eye is healing up. I had the most terriblist dream of all of the centurys!
No word on what the dream entailed, or what “Geic” means. Lost to the ages.
I am frusturated! My friend [crossed out theatrically] bruce told denise that I made a crank phone call on her! (But I didnt!)
Really: I may have.
Today we are having spaghetti for lunch and having a play at 11:00. The play is cinderella and I think I’m going to hate it!
Today I think is going to be a bad day Because Kendall has been picking on me. I think kendall is every curse in the world that anybody ever said!
This was around the time we got HBO and my parents would let me watch George Carlin specials with them, so I could have actually supplied more than a few of these curses.
Today I am buying lunch. We are having Cheeseburgers. I like them. Today Kendall is picking on me like I was a nose!
Today I fell in love. This sexy fox came walking down our bus stop. I fell down. And that is all I have to say today.
These were apparently my first blues lyrics. Really, though: can there be any more succinct statement of the devastation that results when love strikes?
Yesterday I saw flash gordon on home box. I might to Denise to the movies if she wants to go and her parents let her go. I am paying for it. We are seeing Robin Hood. I love her. I hope my mom sits in the row in front of us so we can be necking during the movie.
Today we have a contest. I don’t know what it is though. I think it is going to be a dumb contest.
Here we see the beginnings of my cynicism: I do not know what the contest is, but I know it will be dumb.
Today Denise is absent. I think Stephanie likes me. I don’t know why but I think she likes me. Kathy has poison ivy so she better not touch me.
Reality check: Denise is trying to avoid me; Stephanie does not like me (see above); Kathy does not even want to get near my cootie-ridden self.
We have art today. I HATE ART!!!!!
Today I am going to a Phillies game. They are playing the Giants. I hope the Phillies win. I really like Mike Schmidt.
Little League, right around this time. I would spend much of my time standing in the outfield swatting at chiggers, or riding the bench. The outfit in which I am clad is just stone cold sexy: rolled-up jeans, polo shirt collar poking fashionably out of uniform t-shirt, sweatshirt under the t-shirt. Need I go on? Oh, and that's Adam Vogin again, sitting closest to me.
Art was fun yesterday. I am going to be so bored because you know how I hate violin music.
Alright, so I like art now, but I have a well-renowned aversion to classical music.
Today we didnt go to the zoo! I am so mad I could spit nickels! We are going on June 3!
Either my mom or my nana or both used this phrase: “spit nickels.” Could I have really been this worked up about the postponement of our field trip? Or did I just want to wield that cutting phrase?
Today we are seeing the Muppet movie. I liked it the first time and I am willing to see it again.
__________________________________________________________
And that’s that. First grade began with my favorite hanky, and second grade ended with a frank, controlled keenness to see The Muppet Movie for the second time.
It’s all so much clearer now…
Two bat wings, one Einstein quote, countless profanities, and a tender hug
My good people.
On Tuesday, I witnessed the smarmiest, most unrepentantly rank speech I have ever seen in my teaching career. It was so irredeemably repugnant, so gallingly putrid, that at times it almost rose to the level of art.
The assignment was the farewell address, which is an opportunity for seniors to reflect on their formative years as they prepare to graduate—in terms of academics, activities, relationships, interests, and the like—and present these well-formed and organized ruminations to the class. Many students use the opportunity to talk about an aptitude or pursuit of which many of their peers may not have been aware. Others talk about drug-addicted parents, profound losses, and even psychological struggles of their own. Still others confine their remarks to lighthearted remembrances of the ordinary vicissitudes and occasional monkeyshines of adolescent life.
And then there are those who are seemingly engaged in some sort of unseen scavenger hunt to cause the most offense, draw the deepest gasps, and elicit the most soul-sick groans from the instructor.
Me.
Allow me to hit the highlights of Tuesday’s final speech in my final senior class of the school year. I have inexplicably changed the names to protect the vile. So let’s call Tuesday’s presenter Ignacio Boondoggle.
The speech, it goes without saying, received a grade of zero. And while there were some innocuous reflections and even some sweet moments, they were drowned out by the relentless flood of foulness recounted below. Some of it is nearly amusing; some of it is vaguely troubling; some of it is downright disturbing. All of it is profane. You have been warned.
- The speech began with Ignacio's exhortation to the class to “settle the fuck down!” And settle the fuck down, they did.
- Ignacio lamented that he didn’t have a lot of pictures of him and his friend Travis Banjo because “we’re not gay.” He later reiterated the statement, lest anyone misperceive their special relationship.
- Ignacio reported that he and Travis would often engage in a “ball-grabbing war” to pass the time, and that often, when one of them was feeling down, they would just “grab each other’s balls” to lift one another’s spirits.
- Ignacio also reported playing “The Penis Showing Game” when bored in class. (Apparently this game originates from the film Waiting.) Bart would show Ignacio the “Bat Wing”; Ignacio would show Bart the “Shy Turtle.” This would be done at the most inappropriate moments possible in order to enhance their enjoyment of this pastime.
- Ignacio likes to get, and be, naked. He met his good friend Bart when he screamed “Group hug!” in the showers one day after gym class. Bart was the first (and only) respondent to Ignacio’s invitation.
- He frequently plays strip rock-paper-scissors and admitted that quite probably—on a subconscious level—he purposely loses these games so he can remove more clothing. Ignacio also reported getting in trouble for a nudity-related stunt in chemistry class last year: he climbed inside a cabinet and pressed his bare buttocks against its glass doors, giving the teacher (and his peers) an unwanted show.
- Once, in accounting class, the teacher was conducting an exercise and needed a fictional name for an imaginary checking account. Ignacio obligingly supplied “Gum Cuzzler,” and the teacher began writing it on the board. Once she realized the suggestive intent of his suggestion, the teacher sent Ignacio from the classroom. “I got in trouble for that one,” he recalled blithely.
- Reported playing “Smear the queer”—in which a target is identified and all others attack him—when he joined the soccer team in high school. He helpfully had this phrase in his PowerPoint presentation so there would be no question as to its proper spelling and usage.
- A portly young man's shirt ripped during gym class and his “boob” came out. Ignacio threatened to “titty-fuck” him. (At this time, I interrupted Ignacio to ask him if he remembered the conversation we had last week, in which I cautioned him against including inappropriate content in his speech and he had promised he would tone it down. He said he did remember, and he would tone it down. But by this point he was like a runaway train of ribaldry. He could not—would not—be stopped).
- In Ocean City, Ignacio, Travis and Bart spent the time “trying to pick up fat chicks.”
- Ignacio made reference to a film called Two Girls One Cup, and the fact that it changed his life. (The film's title also graced a PowerPoint slide.) A cursory Google search indicates that the film is actually the unofficial title of the trailer for a scat-fetish pornographic film called Hungry Bitches. If you don't know what “scat-fetish” is, you are lucky, and you should not find out. The appearance of the title and mention of the film was met with uproarious laughter from many of the boys in attendance. (There is apparently a spate of videos taken of people’s reactions when seeing the video in question for the first time. Search “2 Girls 1 Cup reactions” on YouTube for examples of this fascinating phenomenon. My favorite is also from one of my favorite musical groups of all time, hip hop giants The Roots; be warned, you need to turn down your computer’s volume, because there is lots of horrified screaming. None of these reaction videos shows the actual pornographic clip, rest assured.)
- Ignacio stated, in a matter-of-fact way, that his prom date this year was a “whore.” Just as notably, he seemed untroubled by this young lady’s apparent harlotry.
- Ignacio admitted losing many leg-wrestling matches at family functions because he was competing against “grown-ass men.”
- Ignacio's penultimate slide read as follows: “Your only young once so fuck shit up.” - Albert Einstein. I have several problems with the inclusion of this quotation: first, some in the audience apparently believed it was plausible that Albert Einstein had uttered the phrase attributed to him, which their bewildered questions revealed; second, the use of ‘your’ where ‘you’re’ would have been proper proves that my efforts to teach Ignacio the difference between a possessive and a contraction were an utter failure; third, I quit.
- The slideshow—and his speech—closed with a self-portrait which Ignacio had shot the previous evening. It featured Ignacio recumbent on a bed, completely nude, with a blanket covering his groin. At this, I sprang up from my seat and turned the computer projector off. Though the photograph was not revealing in any specific way, its horrifyingly suggestive tone—and its subject’s unmistakably lascivious gaze—were very much the last straw for me. In so many ways.
- After the rest of the class had left and I was still reeling from what had just happened, Ignacio approached me gingerly, said he was sorry that things got out of hand, thanked me for putting up with him all year, and gave me a tender hug. And with that, he was gone.
Never shall I forget that speech. Not if I live a thousand lifetimes, not if I have ten thousand more students. Notwithstanding any hypnotism, primal scream therapy, traumatic brain injury, or other Eternal Sunshine-esque method of targeted memory erasure I might visit upon myself. Never.
And so I ask those of you who are not in the education field: remember well what I have told you, and consider gently the grim task of the teacher in dealing with these sorts of tom-fools.
Thank you for your time. I am getting an early start to summer vacation.