Monsoon's Complete Weather Update for Monday, 29 December 2008

Greetings to all during this fantastically lengthy holiday break!

We are having a fine holiday season and enjoying the fuzz-ball—aka BUNK—as he brings his sweetness and energy to our home. Bunk just turned 4 months old and is growing by leaps and bounds (and, is leaping and bounding all around the house). Below are two recent pictures of Bunk: in the first, he rapturously gnaws on the chew toy his Aunt Megan got him for Christmas; the second features Bunk in a recumbent pose on the hassock, looking just as cute as the day is long.

On to the weather, which has been screwy of late: a high of 67 at my house on Sunday, and the low on New Year’s Eve will be in the teens. I’m currently looking at three potential snow/ice events for the region: Friday 1/2, Tuesday 1/6, and Friday 1/9. See details below and stay tuned for updates...

The weather:

 

Weather narrative: Enjoy these next couple of days in the 40s, because it’s the last time we’ll see temperatures this high until about the third week of January. Very late Tuesday night a system will move through to our north, and it may clip us with some snow showers into Wednesday, but nothing really to worry about there. Watch out for high winds and powerful gusts on Wednesday.

Friday’s system is a bit more intriguing, in terms of the amount of moisture and temperature levels. I’ll send an update later in the week as that comes into clearer focus, but it could evolve into an accumulating storm.

The next issue looks to be Tuesday, with a potentially unpleasant mixture of snow and ice that could cause a disruption in our school schedule. The Friday after we return is looking snowy, too, but I’ll leave that speculation until we get closer to the event. At the very least, it looks like we’ll be very cold by then, so it doesn’t appear we’ll have to worry about mixed precipitation with that storm.

Beyond the forecast: Continued cold with a significant storm possible for mid-January...

Monsoon

Flashback: Monsoon Martin's "Change Up, Gentlemen!" Forecast

Dear readers,

I wanted to share this selection from the early days of my forecasting/writing, well before I was a "blogger"--I just sent out my ruminations and prognostications via email.  This one's from October 2005, and it's all about one of my favorite teachers/coaches of all time, Joe Scott.  Please to enjoy.

Monsoon Martin’s “Change Up, Gentlemen!” Forecast

Tuesday, 11 October 2005

Quite a lot of rain we got Friday and Saturday, huh? Whoo-ee! Adamstown received nine and a half inches of rain, widespread flooding in Lancaster and Berks Counties. And I’m sorry to report that we’ve got more rain on the way this week—but fortunately, not in the amounts we saw over the past weekend. It looks like we’ll be drying out toward next weekend, but stay tuned. I’ll keep you posted on the vicissitudes of the weather...

That word—vicissitudes—takes me back to a time of cracking voices, growth spurts, the discovery of acne, the emergence of the first precious wisps of hair under the arms and on the upper lip, and all holy hell breaking loose with the reproductive system. Yes, my friends, I speak of puberty. And this blossoming wonderment begins in that hormone petri dish known as middle school.

“Vicissitudes” was a favorite word Mr. Joe Scott used to embody the mutability of life, the ups and downs, the inevitable changes that characterize any of our experiences. And through these vicissitudes (I can’t stop using it, so deep is my affection for the word), Mr. Scott was our anchor, our mentor: our gym teacher.

Each day we would arrive at the gymnasium of A. D. Eisenhower Middle School in Norristown, and we would encounter a sign on the locker room door: “Change Up, Gentlemen!” This was an indication that we were to retire immediately to the locker room and don our gym uniforms of blue shorts and a white short (blue and white being the school colors; our mascot, the Eagle). After changing, we’d repair to the gymnasium, where we were greeted by large pieces of paper hung high on the walls, hand-lettered by Mr. Scott. The one that stands out in my mind’s eye is “Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You!” (He always capitalized, and frequently used exclamation points: such was the urgency of his message.)

 

[Eisenhower Middle School, where Monsoon spent his sixth, seventh, and eighth grade years.The building is shown here as Eisenhower Senior High School, from which Monsoon’s mother graduated.]

Once inside the gym we’d arrange ourselves into rows, in Squad Sitting Position, indicating that we were ready to begin class. Squad Sitting Position was a manner of seating that seemed designed to maximize the pain delivered to the buttocks. We would sit with our legs out in front of us, half-bent, knees together, as if we’d just completed a sit-up. And until Mr. Scott took attendance (“Mr. Martin?” “Present.” “Mr. White?” “Unh.” “Mr. White? Is Mr. White here?” “Present.”), we would remain in Squad Sitting Position.

What strikes me about Mr. Scott’s gym classes is the fact that he addressed us by our last names, and as a group we were “gentlemen.” We weren’t merely a bunch of kids named Kendall and Andy and Glen running around and getting sweaty in gym; we were Mr. Meade, Mr. Talone, and Mr. Martin—mature gentlemen engaging in purposeful athletic pursuits. It lent an air of gentility and respect to the proceedings.

As luck would have it, Mr. Joe Scott wore many hats in his position at Eisenhower Middle School. Not only was he the gym teacher; he was also the health teacher, the basketball coach, and the baseball coach. In Health, we twelve-year-olds swaggered in, flush with the dawning of a new physiological day, and Mr. Scott guided us in our first tentative steps toward understanding our bodies. (There was no fifth-grade assembly for boys explaining the havoc that would be wrought on every aspect of our young selves, so we were grateful for any information that came our way—legitimate or otherwise—in middle school.) In addition to the Our Changing Bodies theme of the class, Mr. Scott also injected some life lessons into the mix. Most vividly I remember him admonishing us to avoid the fate of some, who end up “sitting on the street corner, drinking wine and eating Jolly Rogers.” Uproarious laughter greeted that little gem, but I think the message sank in. To this day, I don’t know what Jolly Rogers are, and I don’t want to know. Not much of a wine connoisseur either. Street corners make me nervous, too...

Occasionally in gym class, we’d take to the field outside and play a friendly game of soccer. Inevitably there would be some infraction or another committed, and Mr. Joe Scott would come striding across the field—his center of gravity when running was so low as to make this activity look almost comical—blowing his whistle and declaring that a “free kick” would be attempted. Now, if you’re not familiar with soccer (soccer buffs, feel free to correct me), a free kick is when a player from the opposing team sets up the ball at the corner of a box in front of the goal area. In between this player and the other team’s goal and goalie stand several (four? six?) players from the goalie’s team, trying to make it more difficult for the opposing player to score. Putting them directly in the line of fire of a kicked soccer ball. Mr. Scott had sage advice for those unlucky fellows chosen for this free kick “wall”: “Protect the head and genitals at all times, gentlemen! Protect the head and genitals!” And he would lock one arm—fist clenched in vigilance—in place in front of his face, the other arm locked in front of his genitals. It was a ridiculous pose, but not one boy on that wall balked at conscientiously mimicking this stance.

[These soccer players are approximating Mr. Joe Scott’s strategy of protecting the head and genitals—evidently having decided that their genitals are more precious and irreplaceable than their faces.]

As I mentioned earlier, Mr. Joe Scott was the middle school baseball and basketball coach as well, so I decided to avail myself of his mentorship by participating in these interscholastic pursuits in both seventh and eighth grades. And what disparate experiences these turned out to be. In basketball, we had an excellent team and compiled a winning record in 1985-86, then went undefeated in the 1986-87 season. As the only non-African American player on that team, I recall making every effort to be accepted. Some of the efforts that come to mind: singing and dancing along to “Brass Monkey” by the Beastie Boys in the locker room; making pitiful attempts at break dancing (I could plant my hand on the ground, and perfected the final pose, but everything in between was a tragic floundering of knees and feet, lacking as it did the fluidity and grace of my peers’ performances); and having my number (20) shaved into the back of my head.

In baseball, however, our team realized somewhat less success. More specifically, we did not win a single game in either the 1986 or the 1987 season. Painfully often, the “mercy rule” was applied, which dictates that if one team is leading the other by ten runs by a certain point in the game, it was (mercifully, hence the name) stopped to stanch the suffering. We were—as we had decided all we could do was embrace our record of futility—“defeated,” since we had won no games. I remember playing a great many positions for that team, including pitcher, and given our record, it should be obvious that my basketball prowess far outpaced my abilities on the baseball diamond. (See our 1987 team photo, below.)

I also remember a teammate of mine named Dave Borzillo.  Quirky kid.  Used to break out in a single refrain time and again, at idle moments during practice or game, and no one knew if what he was singing was actually a song: "God damnnn this traffic jam!  How I hate to be late ... hurts my motor to go so slowwwww."  In my research for this forecast, I actually confirmed that the song does exist.  It's a very bad song by the normally reliably good James Taylor called "Traffic Jam."  So Dave wasn't crazy, he just had questionable taste. 

And admirably, Mr. Joe Scott's coaching methods were not measurably different for the undefeated basketball team and the "defeated" baseball team.  If we had tried our best, he taught us, we could be satisfied with the outcome.  (Now that I think about it, we couldn't really say we had given it our "all" after some of the baseball games.  But it's the message that matters.)  And Mr. Scott's problem-solving was, like him, simple and kind.  Once I was struck in the upper thigh (OK, groin) by a baseball.  Mr. Scott was instantly striding toward me, low to the ground, cat-like, dispensing the same advice he offered for any injury: "Rub the area gently, Mr. Martin!  Rub the area gently!"

[Eisenhower Middle School's "defeated" baseball team, Spring 1987.  From top left: Joe Scott, Eddie Carr, Monsoon, David Borzillo, Tony Womack.  Regrettably, Monsoon cannot recall anyone else's name.] 

Protect the head and genitals!

Monsoon

Monsoon's Forecast Contrition Haiku for Friday, 19 December 2008

Inconceivable

Too warm for frozen precip

Rain / snow line crept north

Said bye yesterday

And yet here we are again

A little awkward

Another blown call

Monsoon hangs his head in shame

Happy holidays!

Monsoon Martin's Forecast Contrition Haiku

I present the first-ever (and surely, not the last) Monsoon Martin Forecast Contrition Haiku. I chose the form haiku (in its English incarnation, consisting of three lines with five, seven, and five syllables) because the original Japanese form sought to explore the inscrutable essences of nature and its processes. Since that is what I do—try to make sense of the mysteries of meteorology—it seemed appropriate. Please to enjoy:

Besieged weatherman

Gave colleagues hope for delay

Here we [bleep]ing are

Considered quitting

But I’ll stay to forecast on

If you will have me

Break in the action

Drizzle when I took Bunk out

“Tail end” is lagging

Mild temperatures

Stayed mid to upper 30s

No snow, no pellets

Cold air battles warm

Warm dominates surface temps

Cold hangs head in shame

Morning snow showers

May have students clamoring

Dream on, my young friends

Next Thursday, Friday

Monsoon still holds out some hope

Accumulations

Looking ahead now

Snow 24^th, 25^th?

Hope for White Christmas

Take care and stay tuned for updates...

Monsoon

Monsoon's Update for Sunday, 7 December 2008

It's always a good day when the Eagles beat the Giants, and the Cowboys are handed an ugly loss--all within the span of a few hours.  The only thing better will be when the Eagles whup Dallas at the Linc on December 28th...

Mrs. Monsoon and I saw a great fight card at the Sovereign Center on Friday night, which featured impressive knockouts by Philly's Mike Jones (pictured below) and Reading's Jason Cintron (younger brother of welterweight star Kermit, who was ringside to cheer on his sib).  Inexplicably, the card--staged by Golden Boy Promotions and televised by the Spanish-language outlet Telefutura--was sparsely attended by fewer than 1,000 fans.  I would have thought that world-class professional boxing would draw more spectators...

Anywho, on to the weather, which is sumbitching cold.  An update:

Very, very cold Monday with overnight/morning lows in the mid teens and an afternoon high of only 31. Winds diminishing. Chance of delay Monday: 20%.

Becoming milder overnight Monday into Tuesday, so precipitation will be largely rain; snow showers with negligible accumulation may mix in early. High 43, low 38. No delays or cancellations.

After rain and drizzle overnight, expect still milder conditions on Wednesday: it will be cloudy with a warm breeze and some rain showers and drizzle; thunderstorms may even mix in! No delays or cancellations. High will reach 57; temperatures will then plunge to 30 overnight, when we may see some quick snow showers or flurries.

Thursday will be much, much colder with a high only reaching about 32 and a low of 18. I’m keeping an eye on a storm that has the potential to bring us a few inches of snow on Thursday. Chance of cancellation: 45%; chance of delay: 60%.

Friday looks clearer and very cold. High 33, low 18. Depending on what we get Thursday, we could be in for a delay on Friday.

The weekend will be seasonably cold with the slight chance of snow showers on Saturday evening. Highs in the mid to upper 30s; lows in the mid to upper 20s.

Next week will begin in much the same way, with seasonably cold temperatures. After a period of rain on Monday evening, we may see a bit of accumulating snow on Tuesday and Tuesday night—giving us a chance of delay or cancellation for Tuesday. The most intriguing event comes in Wednesday into Thursday, when we could get snow mixed with dangerous sleet and/or freezing rain.

Next weekend is now looking rainy and warmer over all, with highs in the upper 40s to low 50s.

Beyond will be colder, but nothing approaching the frigid conditions we’re experiencing now until the second week of January or so. As of now, it’s not looking like it’ll be a “white Christmas.”

Stay tuned for updates...

Monsoon

The Official Monsoon Martin Winter 2008-09 Outlook

‘Sup,

Before I reveal my first annual Official Monsoon Martin Winter Outlook, I want to welcome a new member to the Martin family. His name is Bunk, he’s a three-month-old standard poodle, and he’s a bearish bundle of furry sweetness; the sound of his inquisitive paddling around the kitchen sounds like a five-year-old in footy pajamas skimming happily across the floor, and makes us very happy. Of course he cannot replace Sasha and Ruthie, whom we lost earlier this month and miss desperately. Thanks again to those of you who offered your kind condolences on their passing.

But Bunk can help fill the void left in our lives by the absence of our late companions, and recover some of the peculiar joy we derive from welcoming an animal into our home. I look forward to keeping you posted on his growth (he’s 25 pounds or so now; he’ll grow to at least 60 pounds) and shenanigans.

 

Now, for the Official Monsoon Martin Winter 2008-09 Outlook, which is based on my own study of forecast models and meteorological trends, with a generous helping of “gut feeling” thrown in. I’ve divided the winter weather season into seven periods beginning with the first half of December and ending halfway through March (roughly, meteorological winter). Each entry begins with normal temperature ranges, followed by temperature and snowfall predictions, along with accumulation totals and winter weather cancellations and delays for area schools.

Please note that my outlook applies to the region encompassing a roughly 20-mile radius round Adamstown, bounded by northern Berks County to the north; Pottstown and western Montgomery County to the east; Mt. Gretna and eastern Lebanon County to the west; and Paradise and central-southern Lancaster County to the south.

Speaking of the weather, I wanted to share my favorite recent weather-related quote. It was uttered by Danny McBride, who plays Cody, a mulleted pyrotechnics expert in the film Tropic Thunder, when he blows up a row of palm trees: “Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit!” [A note about Tropic Thunder: I love the film, especially Robert Downey Jr.’s performance in it—he does his best work since his role as Ian in 1985’s Weird Science and as Derek in 1986’s Back to School—but I realize it’s not for everyone. I found its gleeful disregard of propriety intoxicating and Downey’s “400 years” speech made me laugh as hard as anything I’ve ever seen in the movies.] McBride’s phrasing is something I plan to use liberally this winter in endeavoring to explain meteorological anomalies that may arise...

Where was I? Oh, yes. Kind of a lot going on lately. I’ve had a bit of trouble focusing. Back to the Official Monsoon Martin Winter 2008-09 Outlook. There are few really useful climatological clues this season—such as the presence of El Nino or La Niña, neither of which is present in the Pacific this year—so it’s especially difficult to make predictions with any accuracy (particularly regarding precipitation) until just days before the event. But I’m not in the business of equivocation or excuse-making here; I’m about rockin’ this outlook, and rockin’ it hard. Here goes...

First half of December: Average highs are typically in the low to mid 40s, lows in the upper 20s to low 30s.

December 1^st to 15^th will be colder than normal over all, with some nasty wind chills dipping into the teens. I’m fairly confident we’ll see a snow event in the 4-6” range somewhere around the 9^th or 10^th of the month; temperatures will become a bit milder then toward mid-month.

Winter weather cancellations and delays: Most of us have 10 school days in this period. I’m predicting 1 cancellation and 1 delay.

Second half of December: Average highs are typically in the upper 30s to low 40s, lows in the low to mid 20s.

December 16^th to 31^st will be average to a bit warmer than normal, and I do not believe we’ll see a “white Christmas” this year.

Winter weather cancellations and delays: Most of us have only 4 to 6 school days in this period. I’m predicting no winter weather-related cancellations or delays.

First half of January: Average highs are typically in the mid to upper 30s, lows in the low 20s.

After a relatively mild start, the bitter cold sets in by around the second week of January. I’m looking for a small to moderate event in the range of 4-6” early on.

Winter weather cancellations and delays: Most of us have 10 school days in this period. I’m predicting 1 cancellation and 2 delays, mainly due to icing problems.

Second half of January: Average highs are typically in the mid to upper 30s, lows in the low 20s.

Colder to begin the second half of the month, with a significant storm in the range of 10-12”, then a “thaw” with milder temperatures to end the month. Winter’s not over yet, though...

Winter weather cancellations and delays: Most of us have 9 school days in this period. I’m predicting 1 cancellation and no delays.

First half of February: Average highs are typically in the upper 30s to low 40s, lows in the low to mid 20s.

We’ll see very cold conditions and a one-two punch of winter weather events: a fairly moderate storm (6-8”) followed by a big snow (in the range of 12-15”) by mid-month, right around Valentine’s Day.

Winter weather cancellations and delays: Most of us have 9 school days in this period. I’m predicting 1 cancellation and 2 delays.

Second half of February: Average highs are typically in the low to mid 40s, lows in the low to mid 20s.

Around average, with a few days of milder “thaw” temperatures: winter’s chill begins to recede and the snow begins to melt, but a couple of freezing rain/sleet/snow events will make travel treacherous and disrupt schedules in the region.

Winter weather cancellations and delays: Most of us have 9 school days in this period. I’m predicting no cancellations and 2 delays.

First half of March (through the Ides): Average highs are typically in the mid to upper 40s, lows in the upper 20s to low 30s.

I’m looking for near-average temperatures with a few colder days mixed in. If these colder days coincide with a Nor’easter, we could see a major storm develop in the first or second week of the month; I don’t think the pattern is set up for this right now, though.

Winter weather cancellations and delays: Most of us have 10 school days in this period. I’m predicting no winter weather-related cancellations or delays.

Totals and summary: I’m predicting a very active (and frequently, quite cold) winter, especially when compared with the previous 3 or 4 winters, which featured a dearth of snowfall and milder temperatures than normal over all. Snowfall totals will be in the range of 36-42” generally, with fluctuations within the forecast region I outlined above.

Totting up the winter weather-related cancellations and delays: I think we’ll have 4 cancellations and 7 delays. Hell, we may even have an early dismissal or two, particularly in the active period from mid-January through mid-February.

Mother Nature will most definitely be shitting her wetsuit. Or was it sweating through her pantyhose? Puking in her soup? Ahh yes: pissing in her pantsuit. I’ll get it straight...

Monsoon

Monsoon Martin's Forecast Update / National Anthem Critique

Really: John Oates is the best they could muster to sing the National Anthem at last night's Phillies World Series game??? 

A few things came to mind when I saw him belting out that swelling paean to militarism:

1. What--Daryl Hall wasn't available? He's the better-known of the two, and judging from Oates's missed high notes, the better singer.
2. There is a bagger at my neighborhood grocery store who looks like John Oates (at least, to me she does) and every time I see her, I hear the snippet in my head: "I can't go for that, no, noooooo..."
3. The National Anthems at the three Phillies home games were sung by Taylor Swift, Patti Labelle, and John Oates. I'll give you Patti, who is a Philly institution, despite her screeching, vocal gymnastics-filled rendition on Sunday night. But surely there were singers with Philly ties who would have been far better choices than Wyomissing's mewling country star Swift and the lesser half of Hall & Oates... 

 Tim McGraw. I hate his music, and he's from Louisiana, not Philadelphia. But at least he's got a legitimate tie to Philly: he's the son of late Phillies relief pitcher and World Series champion Tug McGraw.

Al Alberts. Of the Four Aces, and "Al Alberts Showcase" on channel six when I was growing up. "Try a Little Love"?! Would have been freaking classic. He could have even had dolled-up little kids telling lame jokes afterward.

Frankie Avalon, Philly-born teen idol.

Boyz II Men. Come on! I can hear the old-school harmonies now.

Fabian. Speaking of teen idols...

G. Love and Special Sauce. Could have injected a little blue-eyed funk into the proceedings...

The Delfonics. "Didn't I (Blow Your Mind This Time)" - great Philly soul. Or The Stylistics ("I'm Stone in Love With You"). Anything with a connection to songwriting greats Gamble & Huff.

Will Smith. Could have done a rap duet with Philly-born Eve. Would have been off the hazizza.

The Roots, with Jill Scott. These Philly-born and bred hip hop and neo-soul greats would have done an unforgettable and subversive version of the National Anthem.

McFadden and Whitehead, who wrote "Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now," which was the unofficial anthem of the Phillies' 1980 championship run. Oh, shit, they are no longer alive.

Just a thought...I wonder if they'll have a fourth National Anthem and team introductions for tonight's (or tomorrow night's) continuation of the suspended Game 5? If so, the Phillies would do well to take some of the suggestions above...

A forecast update for the next several days:

Today: Expect rainy, windy (with strong gusts), chilly conditions with highs only getting into the low 40s at most. Rainfall will be fairly steady but will not generally be heavy in our area.

Tonight: As temperatures dip into the low 30s this evening and overnight, we could see some wet snow mixing in with the rain. Persistent wind, leaves on the ground, and some periods of wet snow could reduce visibility and make the roads slippery in spots. Might be a nice night to hang out at home. Still pretty windy with a low of 31. No appreciable snowfall accumulation, except perhaps in areas like Allentown, northern Berks, and points north.

Phillies game: There's a churning system that's just taking its sweet time getting up and out of our area, so my feeling is doubtful that the Phillies game will be played tonight.

Tomorrow: Continued windy and chilly with a rain shower here and there. A snow shower or two early cannot be ruled out. Clearing and very cold late. High 43, low 29.

Thursday: Sunny and seasonably milder with diminishing winds. High 52, low 33.

Friday: Sunny and warmer still. High 59, low 35.

The weekend: Plenty of sunshine and seasonable with Saturday's high in the upper 50s and Sunday's high in the mid 50s. Lows both nights will dip into the mid 30s.

Next week: partly cloudy and autumnally ordinary for most of the week. Look for highs in the upper 50s to near 60; lows in the upper 30s to low 40s.

Beyond: Rainy, then cooler.

Go Phillies!

Monsoon

Update on 2008-10-28 19:05 by Monsoon Martin

First of all, thanks to Steph for the tip: actually, Hall and Oates had been scheduled to perform the Anthem prior to Game 5, but since Hall fell ill, all we got was Oates.  Also, after I uploaded the post, I checked the news on Google and saw that Major League Baseball had just announced that Game 5 will not be resumed tonight.  Look for the conclusion of the game--and Philadelphia's first major sports championship in 25 years--on Wednesday evening.  Maybe Hall will be recovered by then and can sing the harmony vocal for the Anthem, thus completing the rare Oates, then Hall H&O performance.

Monsoon

Update on 2008-10-29 11:20 by Monsoon Martin

A final addendum: man did I hear from some Pink fans about excluding her from the list! 

Alecia "Pink" Moore grew up in Doylestown--and in a Monsoon connection, sat behind Weatherlister Steph Luckey's friend in homeroom at CB West!  She is best-known for the hit song "Get the Party Started," but my favorite Pink song has got to be "U + Ur Hand" from her latest release, an empowerment anthem whose speaker is tired of getting "hit on" in bars by sketchy men and assures all comers that, sorry, but "it's just you and your hand tonight."  Harsh, but deliciously postfeminist!

Monsoon 

Monsoon's Forecast Update for Thursday, 9 October 2008

Habari mori,

I need to revise the forecast I sent out earlier in the week a bit to reflect the milder and drier conditions that should prevail over the coming week or so. Enjoy!

Thursday 10/9: cloudy with a sprinkle to start; then clearing and mild. Rather windy. High 74, low 52.

Friday 10/10: pleasant with lots of sunshine and a refreshing breeze. High 73, low 48. Happy 10^th wedding anniversary to Mr. and Mrs. Monsoon!

Saturday 10/11: sunny with a few clouds; nice. High 77, low 49.

Sunday 10/12: mostly sunny and warmer. High 79, low 52. Monsoon will complain that we turned the air conditioning off too soon; Mrs. Monsoon will emit an exasperated sigh, accompanied by an eye-roll, followed (hopefully) by an indulgent grin.

Monday 10/13: partly to mostly sunny and continued mild. High 75, low 51.

Tuesday 10/14: partly cloudy to start; becoming mostly cloudy and windy with a few showers possible in the evening. High 72, low 56.

Wednesday 10/15: sunny, clear, breezy, and seasonably mild. High 66, low 45. Time for the final presidential debate at Hofstra, where my sis is a graduate student in Art Therapy.

Thursday 10/16: partly cloudy and breezy. High 63, low 46.

Friday 10/17: cloudy and chilly with periods of rainfall. High 60, low 49.

Next weekend: sunny, clear, and autumnal for both Saturday and Sunday. Highs in the upper 50s, lows in the upper 30s.

Thereafter: the following week begins with similar weather, then becoming cooler after a cold front rolls through.

Monsoon

P.S. “Habari mori” means “Hello friends” in Swahili. I am going to try it out, since “my friends” has been housed by the Republican candidate for President, who uttered the phrase some 22 times during Tuesday night’s debate.

P.P.S. Happy first birthday, Zoe!

Monsoon Martin Hails a Hearty Howdy to Mallory King!

After a delivery she described as “magical” and “effortless,” Megan King and her husband Jon welcomed a healthy female human into the world just after 2am this morning. The child weighed 6 pounds, 11 ounces and measured in at 19 inches at the moment of her birth.

Megan and Jon have named this lovely creature Mallory Ann King. The Monsoon Martin extended family wishes Megan, Jon, and Mallory every happiness. (Below is a photo of the actual newborn.)

In an extremely good omen, Mallory shares a birthday with Maurice “Mo” Cheeks, Monsoon’s favorite basketball player of all time—a member of the 1983 NBA Champion 76ers and Sixers head coach since May 2005—who was born on this day in 1956.

Here’s a video chronicling Mo Cheeks’ days as an amazing point guard in the NBA; here’s a video of Coach Cheeks in Portland famously coming to the aid of a young lady who’d forgotten the words to the National Anthem.

Congratulations!

Monsoon

Monsoon's Exclusive Interview with Five Guys' Molly Catalano

My friends,

A few months ago, I posted a review of Five Guys Burgers and Fries and contacted its corporate headquarters to let them know just how much I loved them. I began an email correspondence with Molly Catalano, who is the Public Relations Manager for Five Guys. Soon I had compiled a list of questions for Ms. Catalano and asked if she would consent to an email interview; she delighted me by answering the questions generously and thoroughly.

I am now proud to present these questions (MM) and Molly Catalano’s answers (MC) exclusively and without commercial interruption here on Monsoon’s weblog!

MM: I read that Five Guys has tried various additions to its menu in the past, but ultimately decided to pull these items. Can you discuss a few of these ideas?

MC: The menu originally included a Virginia baked ham sandwich and there is a rumor that they tried a chicken sandwich for one day. This was well before we started franchising and the menu has been the same for at least the past 10-15 years. We get many requests for chili and slaw in the south and sauerkraut in the north, but we will only add to our menu if we know it was the best item possible.

MM: Can you talk a little bit about Five Guys’ interior design? What is the intended effect of having fifty-pound bags of potatoes between the ordering and dining areas?

MC: The basic idea for the décor is to make sure that nothing takes attention away from the food. So it makes sense that we have an open kitchen; our cooking process is the décor! This way, we don’t have to talk about ourselves (hence the articles and quotes from others on the walls) and we don’t even have to tell you what we serve…you see it when you walk in.

Also, with our stacks of potatoes and boxes of peanut oil, along with our open kitchen, we can show guests that we are in fact making everything fresh.

MM: Have you thought about expanding your beverage and treat offerings to include milkshakes, light desserts, and the like?

MC: Besides the chili and sauerkraut, milkshakes are the third most requested item. We love milkshakes, but at this point we don’t think that we could serve the best milkshakes possible without sacrificing quality elsewhere…and we aren’t willing to do that.

MM: It has been reported that Five Guys was pursued for years by individuals who wanted to purchase franchises, but repeatedly turned them down. Can you briefly discuss why Five Guys rejected franchising offers for so long, and why Five Guys ultimately decided to franchise?

MC: The Murrells—especially the father, Jerry—didn’t want to franchise. I don’t know his exact reasoning, but I think things were going well and at the time it didn’t appeal to him. However, the boys were ultimately the ones who decided to franchise and they have done a great job focusing on what is important and not giving in to pressures to change. At the same time, we have learned a lot from our franchisees and I would say that our stores are more consistent now than ever before. Even small changes like our black ceilings and higher quality red countertops came from our franchisees.

MM: Given Five Guys’ unconventional business model, limited menu and untraditional practices, has the company faced any difficulties in attracting investors or selling franchises?

MC: Not at all. In the end, there is a reason behind everything that we do, from the way we cook our fries to the way we change our gloves, and people understand that. We do not advertise for franchisees and franchise inquiries are the highest volume of emails and calls we receive.

MM: I find the construction of your burgers to be artful and ingenious; can you discuss their assembly a bit? For example, why was it decided to put the bacon underneath the patties rather than on top, as is traditionally done?

MC: The assembly, as you may have noticed, is very finely tuned. This, especially, is the area of the business that the “boys” (the Five Guys) perfected in the 15 years before they opened. The assembly is the result of a desire to give optimal flavor combinations while encouraging speed in assembling the burger. With so many toppings, each burger is unique, so we have to have a method to the madness in order to make sure we don’t forget toppings!

MM: The Murrell family’s involvement in the Five Guys business is storied: to what extent is each of the Murrells’ five sons still involved in the business?

MC: All seven (Jerry, Janie, Jim, Matt, Chad, Ben and Tyler) family members are involved in different ways. Ben focuses on franchise development and meets with each franchisee candidate. Chad focuses on training operations. Matt focuses on operations and development, Tyler works with the bakery and Jim focuses on corporate-owned stores.

MM: What is involved, financially and logistically, in securing and setting up a franchised location of Five Guys?

MC: Five Guys sells exclusive territories to franchisees. A franchisee must purchase a territory with a minimum of 5 locations, but many of our franchisees purchase the rights to open much more than that. A franchisee pays a franchise fee for each location and then pays to develop the specific sites once they find them. So a franchisee really does it all: decides where he/she wants to open locations (generally), selects specific sites (with approval from Five Guys) builds out the store, and then opens and runs it. Five Guys provides training and support along the way and throughout their life as a franchisee.

MM: Five Guys reportedly conducts very little, if any, advertising. What is the reasoning behind this strategy, and how successful has it been?

MC: You are correct: Five Guys does not spend ANY national or corporate funds on advertising. We do allow our franchisees to advertise (with approval), so there are a few local items out there. The reasoning is based both on economics and our brand. We want to be known for a great hamburger and great fries and the best form of marketing to do that is word of mouth, so we focus on that. We know that word of mouth is the most effective form of marketing, so we focus on making sure people want to talk about us because they love our burgers and fries!

Additionally, to really compete with others using advertising, you need a lot of money and we believe that we currently get the biggest bang for our buck by providing a very large employee incentive program and by word of mouth. We believe this is successful…or we wouldn’t be here now! Additionally, our new stores open with stronger and stronger sales!

MM: How involved is the Five Guys corporate structure in the day-to-day operations of its franchise locations?

MC: Our franchisees, managers, assistant managers and crew-level employees run the true day-to-day operations. Five Guys Enterprises is involved through our District Manager program. We have District Managers who over see about 15 stores each, and they act as the liaison between franchisees and corporate. They are there to help make our franchisees successful and to protect the Five Guys brand.

MM: Have you considered adding a drive-through element to the Five Guys stores?

MC: We have opened a few locations in buildings that have drive-throughs, but we can only use them as call-ahead pickup windows. This is because it takes about 7-10 minutes for us to prepare an order and that is not fast enough for a drive through.

MM: Your pickles are heaven. How are they made and where are they from?

MC: I agree! Our pickles, like all of our toppings, are specially selected. They are Mount Olive brand kosher pickles. The “boys” (the Five Guys) are fanatical about the quality of our toppings. For example, our current mayo producer is going to stop producing the kind of mayo we use and as a result we are going to privately label mayo for our use because the boys think that this mayo has the right level of creaminess and taste for our burgers.

MM: The interior of the store I visited in Lancaster, PA was lit with fluorescent bulbs. Is this done consistently at your stores? And what other measures has Five Guys taken to minimize the restaurant's impact on the environment?

MC: Many of our stores use fluorescent bulbs (as do our corporate offices, which have the same type of lights). Our peanut oil is currently picked up by a company that uses it for various purposes, but we have researched giving/selling our used peanut oil for use in diesel cars. It is a hard process to do right now because there isn’t a national company that does that, but we have one or two stores that do give their used peanut oil to individuals who use it to power their cars. Finally, we are in the final stages of researching paper fry cups. We currently use Styrofoam, which is not as good for the environment. We hope to roll that out before the end of the year.

MM: Your organization's founder, Jerry Murrell, has been described as being “obsessed” with quality in choosing the ingredients of Five Guys' offerings. Are any of Five Guys' ingredients certified organic or antibiotic-free? If not, does Five Guys have plans to move in this direction in the future?

MC: Five Guys does not have any certified organic or antibiotic-free items. This is not necessarily intentional. Rather, “organic” and “antibiotic-free” are not synonymous with quality. You can have low quality organic items just like you can have low quality non-organic items. Our quality is focused on freshness, lack of preservatives, industry standards of quality (like peanut oil for fries) and then personal family standards. For example, we source whole heads of lettuce rather than that shredded stuff, we put 2 slices of tomatoes on a burger, and we use brand name items like Hebrew National hotdogs, Mount Olive Pickles and high quality bacon that is from a very old and established smoke house.

MM: My readers are anxious to learn what new franchise locations are planned in the southeastern Pennsylvania region: Philadelphia, Bucks, Delaware, Chester, Montgomery, Berks, and Lancaster Counties.

MC: We are opening in all of those areas although it is hard to say when as we don’t know opening dates until a few days before. My suggestion is to visit our website frequently as we add stores to the “coming soon” list every month. [Monsoon’s note: Exeter Commons Shopping Center will feature a Five Guys Burgers & Fries and a Red Robin, in addition to anchor stores Lowe’s, Giant, and Target. Rumors are swirling that a similarly-anchored shopping center planned for the area of the 222/Turnpike interchange in Denver may also attract a Five Guys!]

MM: Thank you for your time!

MC: I apologize for the delay in getting this information to you!

Monsoon

Monsoon Emerges from Summer Hiatus!

Hello, my friends!

It’s your old pal Monsoon, emerging from my summer hiatus to send some warm greetings out to you all. The summer has been … well, how really can one sum it up succinctly? It’s had its ups (Megan’s baby shower, Marina’s surprise party, sojourns with the wife, etc.) and downs (many of you know my summer began with a professional situation that caused—and still causes—me deep disillusionment). I’ve been watching a bit of reality television (no, not the moronic likes of “Big Brother” and “America’s Got Talent”—the latter irredeemable by the Hoff’s presence). My preference is for shows like “Intervention” on A&E, “Cash in the Attic” and “How Clean is Your House” on BBC America, and I’ve become absolutely addicted to “It Takes a Thief” on the Discovery Channel.

(A quick aside: if you’ve ever seen that show and enjoyed it, you’ve got to see this compendium of outtakes from season two , which I found on YouTube. Fair warning: it’s rife with mature language and sophomoric humor.)

I also have to confess that I watched the final two episodes of “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila,” and I have literally felt dirty ever since. (If you haven’t seen this show, it’s an MTV production involving the impossibly foul bisexual former stripper and all-around überskank Tila Tequila, who puts sixteen lesbians and straight men through tasteless stunts and competitions to vie for a “shot at love” with her. She also pretty much has sexual contact with all of them; as a result more appropriate titles would be “A Shot at Chlamydia” or “A Shot for that VD” or the more succinct “Ick.” Anyway, it’s not pretty.)

And finally, I think my new favorite show is “The Soup” with Joel McHale, airing Friday nights at 10pm on E! It’s a snarky look at the week’s best moments in reality TV, talk shows, and pop culture over all. Here’s a clip that I enjoy for two reasons: it’s funny, and it ridicules the dopey, journalistically obtuse Ann Curry of “The Today Show.”

Took in some flicks at my new favorite theater, Penn Cinema in Lititz, which I wrote about in the spring. Most impressive was Journey to the Center of the Earth in digital 3D. Visually stunning, and a highly entertaining movie…

Oh!  And we got a new computer--one that actually, you know, does things.  Our previous, nine-year-old Gateway had dialup service and took seventeen hours to load one webpage (perhaps you forgot my tendency for hyperbole; and perhaps I am actually not exaggerating all that much, sadly).  Our new HP laptop with D&E Jazzd service is a sleek and multitalented machine.

Anyways, to celebrate a fine summer thus far, and to reorient you all into the world of Monsoon, I thought I’d spend the next couple of weeks posting an old favorite of mine from before I started the blog: The Many Jobs of Monsoon from the autumn of 2006. This five-volume opus is—as the title suggests—a compendium of my most memorable, triumphant, cringeworthy, and downright scarring employment experiences, roughly from the late 1980s to the early 2000s.

I’ll also throw a weather report or two in there, as some of you have been complaining vociferously of my lack of forecasting activity over the past month or so.

Enjoy—and as always, I welcome your comments!

Monsoon

Flashback Friday: What I Did On My Summer Vacation from 8/29/05

It's FLASHBACK FRIDAY again, kids!  I'd like to take you back to the beginning of the 2005-06 school year, when I opened with a story about my wife, me, a turtle, and the Pennsylvania Turnpike.  Enjoy!  --Monsoon

What I Did On My Summer Vacation by Monsoon Martin

Monday, 29 August 2005

“I have a question for you, Glen. Think back to July 18^th. Were you…walking on the Pennsylvania Turnpike?” This seemingly off-the-wall question posed by a colleague last week took me back to one of the most exhilarating, strange, well-intentioned, but ill-advised memories of my summer vacation. “Yes, that was me,” I replied sheepishly, and was quite understandably called upon to explain why.

First, let me inaugurate the 2005-06 school year with the forecast for the next few days. I wish I could say it’s going to be sunny and pleasant with low humidity as we begin the school year. But alas, I cannot. That kind of weather will have to wait until next week…

Monday night : Scattered showers and thunderstorms may develop in the evening. Due to the influx of tropical moisture, it will be quite humid. Low 68.

Tuesday : The first day of school for Muhlenberg. Mostly cloudy in the morning, with showers and thunderstorms developing in the afternoon. Rain could be heavy at times as the moisture from Katrina begins to be drawn into our area. Humid. High 83, low 70.

Wednesday : The first day of school for Mifflin. The remnants of Hurricane Katrina will come through midday Wednesday into Thursday. As of now, it appears this system will track a bit west of our area, but will still produce moderate winds and some heavy downpours. An inch to two inches of rain may fall Tuesday into Wednesday; more could fall in some locations. We need the rain, but this heavy rainfall could produce localized flooding. Watch for gusty thunderstorms. Still humid. High 83, low 66.

On July 18^th, in the late afternoon, Kachina and I were motoring peacefully westbound on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, when suddenly my sweet wife exclaimed, “A turtle! Did you see that?” Since I was focused on the safe operation of our motor vehicle, I had not. Before I could answer, this reasonable woman said, “Pull over!” As luck would have it, there was a “pull-off” just ahead on the right. We pulled off and had barely come to a complete stop when this otherwise rational, sane woman said, “I’ve got to go get that turtle!” and bounded out of the car, walking alongside the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

At this point it is prudent to cite regulation 601.10 from the Turnpike’s rules, of which we were then blissfully unaware: “Pedestrian travel or entry on the right-of-way of the Turnpike System is prohibited.”

Bewildered, but deciding that I didn’t want my dear spouse to be running around on the Turnpike alone, I waited a moment and then walked after her, back to the site where she had seen the turtle. By the time I arrived, Kachina had already walked across two lanes of automobiles traveling at 70 miles per hour or better, and was trying to pick up an object that was about the size of a hubcap—a monster truck hubcap—and was brownish green in color. The turtle had evidently tried to cross the road, but had made it only halfway (miraculously without being flattened by a speeding tractor trailer in the westbound lanes) before its journey was cruelly stymied by the concrete barrier in the middle.

A split second later Kachina recoiled from the animal, then dashed back across the road to where I was waiting. “It tried to bite me!” she said with an admixture of outrage, shock, and fear, since it should have been obvious to the imperiled creature that she was only trying to help. And then: “You go pick it up!” I then crossed all the fast traffic and came face to face with the prehistoric reptile. The beast, in a word, was pissed.

Thursday : Katrina scoots by; rain ending in the A.M. Some peeks of sunshine in the afternoon. High 84, low 62.

Friday : The tropical moisture is pushed out of the area and high pressure settles in. Dramatic decrease in humidity; mostly sunny skies. High 81, low 60.

Saturday : Continued pleasant and sunny. High 80, low 58.

Right about now, dear reader, you may be thinking: These are two seemingly level-headed educators. Why in the hell did they think it was a good idea to go running around the Turnpike after a turtle? Didn’t they think to call someone? Or just keep driving? And all I can say is, No. We did not.

After a few unsuccessful attempts to pick the being up myself—forestalled by its prodigiously long neck and powerful jaws—we felt we needed a different tack in capturing the wayward animal and returning it to safety. My wife, who solves a dizzying array of problems each and every day in her classroom, proposed this solution: “I know! I’ll get my coat. We can throw it over the turtle”—presumably to disorient it—“and then we’ll be able to pick it up.” As Kachina went to get her coat in the car, she motioned for me to come back to the side of the road from my current location—next to the concrete traffic divider with my new friend. I did not understand this motion and gave her the thumbs-up. I remained in the middle of the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

I spent part of this time noting the faces of drivers as they scorched past me—faces that said, “What the bloody hell is that guy doing? Is he crazy?” I spent the other portion of my quiet time reasoning with the turtle, which according to my wife was more than a little bit amusing to behold. “Alright, now, my friend. Let’s cut the crap. I’m only trying to help you. No—now, hissing at me is just unfriendly. I’m going to pick you up and—OK, maybe I’m not. Boy, you almost really bit me that time, you little—”

“Honey?” Kachina said. “Had any luck talking to the turtle?” My sullen deportment said all she needed to know. As planned, we placed the jacket over the turtle’s head. The turtle bit the jacket. We could not pick up the great creature. Our last-ditch plan was an unqualified failure.

Just then, I caught a flash of inspiration as I looked at the turtle’s alligator-like tail. If I could pick it up by the tail, perhaps then it would not be able to separate my hand from my arm. This just might work, I said to myself, as if hatching a plan in a movie. As Kachina watched for a break in traffic, I seized the beast—hissing and snapping futilely—by the tail, and ran across the road, inadvertently scraping its head slightly on the shoulder of the roadway. I deposited the turtle in a grassy area past the guardrail to ensure it would be safe, and it scampered (really, this thing could move) away from danger. (Whether it perceived the speeding vehicles or the two of us as a greater danger, I cannot say.)  I believe my wife and I actually high-fived to celebrate this best of all possible scenarios: the turtle and both Martins had escaped the ordeal with their lives.

Sunday : More of the same: sunny and pleasant. High 80, low 58.

Monday : More of the same. High 78, low 57.

Back to school projection for Tuesday through Friday : We will have highs in the upper 70s and lows in the upper 50s with little humidity and pleasant breezes. (Rain is possible toward the end of next week.) Hopefully this weather will begin to dispel some of the stale air and stifling heat that has been collecting in the building all summer long. Soon enough, children whining about the heat, pitted-out dress shirts, and fainting spells will be distant memories…

A postscript to our tale: As we made our way back to the car, a state police car went by and flashed its lights at us; soon after, a Pennsylvania Turnpike worker stopped on the other side of the road, made his way across to us, and asked what was going on. We explained as briefly and reasonably as possible. His only comment was, “Well, I guess you’ve done your good deed for the day.” And we were off.

We didn’t realize it at the time, but our encounter was with an American Snapping Turtle (chelydra serpentina) weighing about 30 to 40 pounds. According to my research, these reptiles spend most of their time in fresh water and are characterized by muscular legs and long, saw-edged tails. Since the plastron (underside) of the turtle is much smaller than the carapace (upper part of the shell), this turtle cannot draw itself into its shell to protect itself. Therefore, when threatened on dry land, the turtle become aggressive (no kidding!), using the powerful jaws that gave the animal its common name to defend itself. Its neck can reach back halfway to its tail, so the range of motion is extraordinary, allowing the animal to “snap” quite effectively. It strikes with amazing speed and force; its powerful jaws can tear flesh quite badly.

These animals typically only come out on dry land from late June to mid July to dig a nest and lay eggs (so, we reasoned, our friend must have been a mama snapper looking for a place to lay her eggs). A lot of the best nesting sites are near roads, which is unfortunate for the turtles. Snapping turtles like to nest in the soft sand and gravel of road shoulders. The eggs need to be above water to survive, so the females search out dry gravely spots to lay their eggs. Snapping turtles have also been known to travel more than a mile to mate or lay eggs, putting them in harm’s way as they end up crossing roads. Sadly, many adult female snapping turtles are killed every year, during the egg laying season, on our roads and highways.

For most of their lives, they like to hang out in shallow lakes, streams or swamps with lots of plants. The snapper eats invertebrates, carrion, aquatic plants, fish, birds, and small mammals. It spends most of its time in the water, either floating close to the surface, or lying in the mud in shallower water (usually, with only eyes and nostrils protruding).

And that, friends, is how I spent my summer vacation.

Monsoon

Monsoon's Weather Update for MLK Day 2008

Hey Friends,

Just wanted to give you a quick weather update, but before I do that, I wanted to give you the latest on my back situation, as many of you have been kind enough to inquire since I sent out the Open MRI piece. Despite the fact that my back has actually been giving me little to no pain over the past week or so, the MRI result is that I have a herniated disk in the lower lumbar region. I’m meeting with a specialist to discuss the MRI, who I suspect will prescribe some sort of exercises or physical therapy, maybe some narcotics, maybe a shot or something. Anything short of surgery, let’s hope…

Monday 1/21: sunny and very cold. High 24, low 15.

Tuesday 1/22: breezy and becoming overcast with flurries and snow showers developing toward late afternoon. I’m thinking a dusting here and there, with isolated spots getting as much as an inch. But the atmosphere is so dry here right now, I don’t see much resulting from this. Snow showers taper toward midnight. High 35, low 24.

Wednesday 1/23: sunny; becoming cloudy late with an evening flurry not out of the question as another arctic cold front moves in. High 32, low 15.

Thursday 1/24: partly cloudy and cold. High 26, low 11.

Friday 1/25: sunny and continued cold, but not quite as frigid. High 32, low 18.

The weekend: cold with highs in the mid 30s and lows in the low 20s. Snow showers are possible on Sunday, but I don’t think this is anything to worry about just now. Stay tuned for updates.

Next week: more of the same…highs in the mid 30s, lows in the low 20s.

Next chance for snow: I’m looking now toward the following weekend for a potentially major event. Friday 2/1, Saturday 2/2—keep an eye on that. I’ll keep you posted…

Your Weather-Servant,

Monsoon

Monsoon Martin's "Open MRI," My Fifth Vertebra Forecast

Weather-friends,

First, I want to say regarding Sunday night into Monday that there is still the potential for snowfall and the slight chance it could accumulate, but I’m leaning heavily toward a storm track that will miss us altogether, bringing only snow and rain showers to our area during that time. I will post an update in this space if the situation changes dramatically over the weekend.

Second, I’d like to submit “Open MRI” to the pantheon of particularly cruel or egregious oxymorons, or contradictions in terms, of which some of the most famous and appropriate are “jumbo shrimp,” “open secret,” “peacekeeper missile,” and “military intelligence.”

Why? Because yesterday, I became the victim of a medical bait-and-switch of the cruelest sort. I was sent for an MRI by my doctor to take a look at my lower back, which as many of you know has been hobbling me for some weeks now. Knowing of my claustrophobic tendencies, not to mention my … generously apportioned physical stature, my doc sent me to Ephrata Open MRI. Open MRI, I thought. Sweet. In a regular MRI, in case you’ve never had the pleasure, the patient is loaded onto a slab and shoehorned into a massive structure like a round peg in a square hole—where the patient must stay, unmoving and unable to move any part of the body, for up to an hour. (I had an MRI way back in high school when I was getting severe migraines but was somehow not all that affected by it then.)

An Open MRI, I imagined, would be an absolute dream. There would be no shoving my immobilized self into a space no bigger than a morgue drawer. Surely in an Open MRI I would be free to move about gaily as I wished. I would be forced to sit (or perhaps lie) still for a short, pleasant enough period, during which time some sort of machine would take some sort of picture of my lower back. It would all be over in mercifully brief fashion, and I would experience none of the claustrophobia associated with the typical MRI experience.

My people, what followed instead at Ephrata Open MRI was 50 minutes of meta-claustrophobic torment. (For those of you who are new to the Monsoon weather list and/or weblog, it should be noted that my accounts of personal turmoil and inconvenience are not without their liberal pepperings of hyperbole and histrionics. I admit this now, only in a moment of weakness, and will never do so again.)

I was told to “gown up” and led into the MRI room by a technician who was, to her credit, extremely patient and understanding. I was laid on a table, facing feet first into a gargantuan, ringed structure that resembled a sort of brick oven (like at Carrabba’s in Lancaster, which is totally good) but instead of creating scrumptious northern Italian cuisine, it created only vise-like pressure and shrieking terror. (I told you: hyperbole.)

The technician (I forgot or blocked her name; let’s call her Hazel) then told me I had an array of music choices to accompany my ordeal. A few radio stations came in fine, she said, though two—94.5 (the evangelical Christian station) and a country music station—came in best. Need it be said here that I declined to listen to either station? She also said she had a few CDs to choose from: Enya, some philharmonic thing, and a Sting CD which she said was called All the Hits. Now, Enya takes me back to the days at Albright when my roommate would play the purportedly soothing—but actually numbingly bland—music of Enya and Yanni (I am dead serious) and make me want to jam hot knives into my earholes. I typically shun classical music as aggressively European and staid; it’s the white man’s music. And I used to be quite a Police fan, and Sting’s early solo work was quite good (the later period, when he was doing guest vox on vapid hip hop tunes, not so much). So yes, I said, let’s crank up the Sting!

Soon my torso was swathed in some sort of heavy wrap and I was then inserted, like a tongue depressor, into the gaping maw of the Open MRI machine, forcing the air out of me like I was a sad Tupperware container. I stared up at the ceiling of the “Open” MRI machine, which was about an inch and a half from my face and ended at about eye level (the top was open, so I could look up, to the side and out, and my feet were hanging out the other end, which mattered not at all, though I suspected contributed to their being able to use the meaningless term “open” in describing the MRI).

I began to wonder if I was going to make it through this—laying there uncomfortably for the better part of an hour, unable to take a full breath, the world closing in on me. Hazel observed that I was getting a little “wigged” and said gently, “This isn’t supposed to be stressful, you know?” to which I responded with a weak chuckle. Hazel handed me a small, rubber ball connected to a wire that looked like the end of a sphygmomanometer (blood pressure taker); I was told to squeeze it if I needed anything. This offered me little solace.

As the machine began its work, a few realities quickly became apparent: first, that my mild claustrophobia had evolved considerably; second, that the machine makes an irregular, intervallic death rattle that sounds like an excavator is operating on top of me, or some sort of undulating Lex Luthor death contraption; and third, that the Sting CD was one of the most wretched collections of aural ineptness ever put to record. The fact is that Sting had dramatically reworked many of his most well-known songs (including “Fragile,” “When We Dance,” and “Fields of Gold”) and performed them in front of an exclusive audience in Tuscany for an album that was actually called All This Time. His arrangements are whitebreadedly affected and ponderous, his delivery sloppy, the instrumentation languorous. The overall effect of listening to this was infuriating: snippets of the work sounded familiar, refrains seemed nearly recognizable, and yet it was all so foreign, so poorly executed…so icky. Sting even—unforgivably—included the (wreckage of the) song “Dienda,” with lyrics inexplicably added, on his CD. “Dienda,” composed by the late Kenny Kirkland and included on Branford Marsalis’ seminal Royal Garden Blues, is an evocative, gorgeous gem—probably my favorite song of all time.

The ensuing 40 minutes or so are a blur of near-panic, existential crisis, and strange, maniacal thoughts. A sampling:

• What in the hell is that picture supposed to be?
• One, two, three, four, Mary at the kitchen door…
• Breathe…breathe…whew…haa…whew…haa…
• I’m gonna lose my shit…I’m gonna lose my shit and eject myself out this bitch.
• Keep it together keep it together keep it together.
• Maybe I’ll try a little visualization…I can visualize my ass right the hell out of here…yeah, I’m not in this machine; I’m in a happy place. A…happy…place. Where’s my happy place? Hoff, are you there? OK. Yeah, a real happy place. Oh, this would be good: I’m back in Rhode Island, it’s last Christmas, and I’m walking with my lovely wife on the Cliff Walk. That was a happy time, and it’s a nice, open vista…yep, I’m on the Cliff Walk. No, I’m still here in Ephrata. I can’t visualize a god damned thing. Jeez, maybe I should take up yoga or something.

• I wonder how much time is left?
• What does MRI stand for? Oh, that’s right: Magnetic Resonance Imaging. I wish it had taken me longer to figure that out. M…R…I. Am, are, I? Oh, holy crap it’s an existential puzzle. Am, are, I? If I am not, how can I be? And if I be not, am not, whither me? What the hell am I saying?
• Why, oh why, did Sting sully his songs so?
• How much time could really be left? Oh damn, I wonder if it just seems like a half-hour has passed but in reality it’s only been three! Nah, that’s not possible…
• They make bombs that can be programmed to fall on a postage stamp but I have to lay my ass here for an hour and wait for this machine to do its work. Isn’t that a fine how-do-you-do?
• “The Wire” soundtrack is really good…oh, I know…I’ll think about my favorite songs on it. That’ll get my mind off things…well, the dialogue snippets are great, especially the Snotboogie material and the “Omar comin’!” piece. The songs are a mixed bag… “Ayo” and “My Life Extra” from the B-more hip hop scene are strong, really hypnotic…and it’s nice to see Michael Franti on there…the Solomon Burke song is outstanding, and I like the “Gilded Splinters” song…I even like the Greek song…The Pogues and Tom Waits, not so much. OK, that’s it. What’d it take, two minutes?

• How much longer??

Finally I couldn’t resist any longer and squeezed my little rubber doober to summon Hazel. She came in: “Yes?”

“Oh, hi! Liiiiisten…I was just wondering how much more time?”

“You said hi…that’s cute! Most people don't bother saying hello. No, we haven’t got much more time. One more vertebra, so another nine minutes.”

[long exhale] “Whew. Thanks…I needed to hear that.”

[leaving] “You’re welcome…not much longer!”

“Oh…and could you turn off the music? It is so, so horrible.”

[sniggering] “Sure.”

After this, there’s not much to tell. The end of the test went off without a hitch, as I spent the last nine minutes counting. When it ended, I extricated myself from the machine and happily made my way out of the room. I had one final question for Hazel:

“Why would Sting ruin his music like that?”

“I know, right?”

Monsoon

Monsoon Martin's I'm Back! Weather Update

Hey, weather-friends,

It has been several weeks since I have addressed you all, and fortunately it’s been a quiet weather period so you weren’t missing out on vital information or anything. I thought I’d take a few moments to offer you an explanation of my absence, provide a forecast and a new post to boot.

My absence was partially due to a heavy workload (Term Paper grading) and partially due to pain. About the Term Paper grading I have little to say, except that the ordeal will be over for another year when I’ve graded the final drafts later this month. About the pain, which held a vise-like grip on my extreme lower back for a couple of weeks off and on, I will speculate briefly about its cause: slipping on ice at Vision Volkswagen; hunching over miserably grading term papers; and careening colossally off a rolling desk chair prior to the winter holiday. I dare not say more for fear of implicating my abettors and arousing the suspicions of The Man.

 

Weather narrative: First, I want to announce a small change to the WeatherTable: I have eliminated the wind speed column and will only remark on wind when it is notably strong or pungent. The unseasonably warm weather, with highs reaching well into the 60s, is coming to an end, but temperatures aren’t going to plunge below normal for another week or so.

I don’t see any really compelling winter weather potentialities on the horizon here. Perhaps toward the end of the forecast period (the 21^st, 22^nd) we may see a moderate snowstorm. Stay tuned.

Monsoon

Monsoon's Update for Friday the 7th

My friends…

I am in the midst of grading Term Paper outlines and reading gems like “Back in the day, African Americans and women had rough lifestyles. Celie is both an African American and a women” and later in the same paper, an observation that Celie is “physically and mentally messed up” by her experiences. It is at these times of year—Term Paper grading, in particular—when we question not only whether we are doing any good at all as teachers, but whether we can go on at all.

And so I offer you just a simple forecast that includes the potential for precipitation every day from today through Tuesday—but nothing during that period that will accumulate impressively or threaten our work or shopping schedules.

Friday 12/7: Cloudy with snow flurries and showers this morning, accumulating a half-inch at most, then changing over to rain showers at or around noon. Rain tapers by late afternoon. High 35, low 27.

Saturday 12/8: AM clouds with a flurry possible, then clearing toward afternoon. A bit warmer. Moderate WNW winds. High 41, low 23.

Sunday 12/9: Cloudy and rainy, especially in the afternoon. Temperatures should stay above freezing, so this should be rain (rather than sleet and snow, or even freezing rain). Showers should taper late, but chance of precipitation stays with us overnight. High 40, low 33.

Monday 12/10: Mostly cloudy with a few showers likely late; if the temperature drops, these could be brief snow showers with little or no accumulation. High 38, low 33.

Tuesday 12/11: Cloudy and warmer with rain likely. High 48, low 37.

Wednesday 12/12: Cloudy to partly cloudy and still unseasonably mild. Moderate to strong WNW winds. High 45, low 26.

Thursday 12/13: Partly cloudy and cooler. High 38, low 24.

Friday 12/14: Partly cloudy. High 36, low 19.

Next weekend: Cold with plenty of clouds around. Highs in the mid 30s; lows in the teens to low 20s.

Beyond: Cold with frozen/wintry precipitation possible around Tuesday the 18^th and Thursday the 20^th.

Take care,

Monsoon

Monsoon Martin's Weekend Update and Go Mustangs! Forecast

Monsoon Martin's Weekend Update and Go Mustangs! Forecast

Friday, 30 November 2007

Weather narrative: Sunny and cool today; a cold front will move through this evening, ushering in (as the name suggests) colder temperatures. Saturday looks to be quite chilly with highs only reaching the upper 30s and a stiff northeast wind blowing. Snow showers may develop after midnight and continue overnight ahead of a winter weather system heading into the area.

On Saturday night, Governor Mifflin will play Harrisburg at Hershey Stadium for the Class 3/6-AAAA football championship. As the game begins (7pm), we’ll see mostly cloudy conditions and a temperature of 34, with wind chills in the upper 20s. Clouds will increase and temperatures will slip to (or even just below) freezing as the game goes on, but I am confident that precipitation will hold off until the game ends and everyone gets home safe and sound. If I might also offer another prediction for Saturday night: Governor Mifflin 21, Harrisburg 16.

Now to the winter weather system that has had everyone buzzing this week: I think, over all, it’s going to be a disappointment. Here’s what to expect…morning snow showers, mixing with sleet by 8 or 9am, then turning to rain by the noon and continuing as rain through the early evening. Precipitation will taper by late evening, but cloudy conditions will persist. Accumulations will be negligible everywhere but the northern Lehigh Valley and Pocono region. My call is an inch to an inch and a half of snow Sunday morning for most of my forecast area, with steadier rain washing it away later.

Monday’s looking like a windy, bitterly cold day with a very cold start, so there’s a chance some of the precipitation that falls on Sunday will freeze on Monday morning. For that reason, I’ll cover my bases with a 20% chance of school delays for Monday. The weather for Monday looks like this: mostly cloudy with a slight chance of a flurry or brief snow shower in the morning; then a slight chance of drizzle or a spot of rain in the afternoon. Quite windy with WNW winds 16-20mph, gusting above 25. High 40, low 26. Wind chill values will be in the teens in the morning and the 20s for much of the day.

The rest of the week will be cold with highs only in the mid 30s as we see the coldest temperatures so far this season. I’m looking at Thursday for a possible system, but I don’t think it’s anything to get alarmed about. The conditions just aren’t right yet for a “big one.”

Cold for the following weekend, too, with highs only getting into the low to mid 30s.

And the following week will see…you guessed it…more of the same.

Beyond the forecast: Still very cold—unseasonably so—with snow possible on Thursday the 13^th into Friday the 14^th. Then warming slightly to “normal” temperatures for this time of year (highs in the low to mid 40s; lows in the mid to upper 20s).

Monsoon

Flashback Friday - Monsoon Martin's "Hello, Everybodeeeee" Forecast

My friends...once again I'm reaching into the vaults for a classic forecast from nearly two years ago--January 2006. Without further ado, I present...

Monsoon Martin’s “Hello Everybodeeeee” Forecast

Tuesday, 10 January 2006

Hello Everybodeeeee! This is your old pal Grover, and I am very glad you have visited me today! Actually, it is Monsoon, who could not possibly maintain the narrative voice of a blue furry Muppet during the entire forecast. During this unseasonably mild and relatively inactive weather period, I thought I’d take the opportunity to introduce you to the inimitable, the indefatigable, the hirsute, the bright blue…Grover Monster. One of what I call the “original seven” Sesame Street Muppets (along with Big Bird, Count, Oscar, Ernie, Bert, and Cookie Monster), Grover quickly emerged as one of the most beloved figures to come out of the Children’s Television Workshop.

Grover (voiced by the incomparable Frank Oz) is notoriously impulsive, which would often get him into trouble on the show, but really Grover is harmless, utterly sincere, endlessly generous, endearingly vulnerable, and wholly gregarious. Grover (full name Grover Monster) debuted in 1969 at the beginning of Sesame Street’s run, and is 4 years old. Flawed, harried, and always open-minded, Grover helped children understand such concepts as “near” and “far”—he would come right up to the camera and shout “Near!” and then frantically scramble to the background and cry, “Far!” This would repeat until poor G would collapse from exhaustion…

Tuesday night : Increasing cloudiness. Low 35.

Wednesday : Cloudy with possible AM fog or drizzle, followed by afternoon showers. Rain will taper late in the evening with clearing overnight. Unseasonably mild. High 52, low 36.

Thursday : Partly cloudy with plenty of sunshine; continued mild. High 56, low 38. What a perfect day for Super Grover to fly around the city looking for little boys and girls to help out!

Fans of Grover and the gang could catch him away from the telly as well—as I did, with messianic zeal. He featured in a series of well-known books based on his character, the most famous of which was called The Monster at the End of This Book, starring Lovable, Furry Old Grover. Afraid because he doesn’t like monsters (ironically, since he himself is a monster), he implores the reader not to turn each page, which would bring us closer to the monster: “YOU TURNED THE PAGE! Maybe you do not understand. You see, turning pages will bring us to the end of this book, and there is a Monster at the end of this book…” He spends the book trying to prevent the reader from turning each page,

then is relieved to discover that he, in fact, was the monster at the end of the book.

He released a series of critically acclaimed albums (all right, I don’t know if they were critically acclaimed, but I loved them, and still do). One of my favorites is Sesame Street Fever (1978), which features G.M. on the cover striking a stunning Travolta-esque pose:

…and perhaps even more scintillating was the series on the inner sleeve depicting Grover executing some impressive disco dancing moves:

But the seminal work in Grover’s corpus of recorded work is 1974’s Grover Sings the Blues. (The dialogue bubble coming out of Grover’s mouth in the image of the album’s cover below says, “I am so proud!”)

The song “What Do I Do When I’m Alone” resonated with me because as an only child, I was often…alone. The lyrics, in part:

What do I do when I’m alone?

Well sometimes I sing a little song

La la la la la laaaaa

That is the song I sing.

What do I do when I’m alone?

Well sometimes I do a little dance (oh yeah!)

I jump and I hop hop hop

That is my little dance.

He goes on to admit that sometimes when he’s alone he gets a little sad, but generally he is able to enjoy being alone rather than feeling lonely. Grover’s wisdom went beyond helping a person be comfortable in his or her own company, though; one of his most memorable tunes, “Still, We Like Each Other,” is an unbridled celebration of diversity decades ahead of its time—and a lesson on diplomatic interpersonal relations from which some of us could actually benefit:

I have fur that’s blue and fuzzy

You may not have fur that’s blue and fuzzy

Still, we like each other.

I like gooey peanut butter

You may not like gooey peanut butter

Still, we can like each other.

We are friends

You and me

And it doesn’t matter what we look like

Or if sometimes we don’t agree…

‘Cause we are people who are different

People can be very, very different

But still they can like each other.

You have your looks and likes

And I have mine

But still we like each other…

Fine.

The Furry One’s most fabulous (and inept) alter ego was, of course, Super Grover, the feckless but charming “superhero” who debuted on Sesame Street with a crash in 1974. He would try to help, but would usually unintentionally obstruct, rather than solve a problem—leaving the child to figure the problem out for him or herself (and teaching an important lesson about self-sufficiency in the process):

He zooms through the sky,
smarter than a speeding bullet,
furrier than a powerful locomotive,
able to leap tall sandwiches in a single bound!
Is it an eggplant? A meatball?
No! It's Super Grover!

Friday : Partly cloudy; becoming mostly cloudy toward evening. Rain developing late; could be heavy at times. High 57, low 39. You can't stay dry / And you can't have any fun / And that's when rain falls / It's really sort of neat / To hear everybody grumble and complain / When rain falls / It's kind of nice – from “Rain Falls” on Oscar the Grouch’s album, Let a Frown Be Your Umbrella.

Saturday : Rain continuing throughout the day; windy and colder as a front moves through the region. Showers on and off overnight Saturday into Sunday could mix with snow in some places, but accumulations will be negligible. High 47, low 32. Please be sure to take your umbrella!

Sunday : Partly cloudy with gradual clearing; colder with moderate winds persisting. High 37, low 27.

In 1979, an insidious little red menace appeared on Sesame Street, first as a background monster. By the mid 1980s, Elmo had begun to supplant Grover as the show’s most heavily promoted and merchandised cast member. The offenses of this evil furball are myriad and unforgivable. What follows is my list of grievances against Elmo, proving indisputably that Grover is superior to his bushy associate in every possible way.

• First, the basics: Elmo Monster is created to mimic the development of a 3½-year-old child. He is not related to four-year-old Grover Monster. They are most emphatically from different monster clans.
• Elmo speaks only in third person when referring to himself: “Elmo wants a hug!” Needless to say, this linguistic disorder sets an atrocious example for toddlers just developing their language skills. On the other hand, Grover’s language (and humor) is more sophisticated. He never uses contractions: “It is great to see you” rather than “It’s great to see you.” (Grover only suspended this rule when singing. I know not why.) What a fine example for a child—how to speak properly and respectfully, and to use first person when referring to oneself.
• Elmo began to backstab and connive to attain Sesame Street supremacy in the mid 1980s and never looked back. The new segment “Elmo’s World” is evidence of his furtive plan for world domination. His showy, pretentious, hyperactive demeanor has provided inspiration for an entire generation of emerging ADHD children.

In the sequel to The Monster at the End of This Book, Elmo horns in on Grover’s

franchise; at the end of this book (above) Grover discovers that Elmo is, in fact,

the monster at the end—and that Elmo is positioning himself to make his old pal

Grover obsolete. “Aiiieeee!!” means “Et tu, Elmo?” in Portuguese.

• Elmo is the “poor man’s” Grover—the far inferior “new kid on the block.” His incessant, raspy whine is incredibly grating. Whereas Grover had authentic, natural rapport in his unscripted conversations with children, Elmo is consistently patronizing and screechy in such interactions.
• Grover’s alter ego, Super Grover, can fly. Elmo cannot fly, nor does he have any superpowers whatsoever.
• Elmo frequently visited the Rosie O’Donnell Show. This is perhaps as damning an indictment of Elmo’s shrillness and nefariousness as there is.
• Blue state, red state. Grover, Elmo. ‘Nuff said.
• Grover has never allowed himself to be adulterated by the marketeers at Children’s Television Workshop. Stuffed animals, cups, linens, clothing…but never did Grover consent to be used for a ridiculous moving or singing doll. No shucking and jiving for Grover. Elmo, on the other hand, has been made into all manner of horrid mechanical toys, beginning with Christmas craze Tickle Me Elmo in the 1990s. The litany of Elmo’s minstrelsy has included Rock & Roll Elmo, Limbo Elmo, Hokey Pokey Elmo, the controversial Lambada Elmo, and the ill-fated Tackle Me Elmo.
• Elmo means “conniving” in Italian and “discordant” in Dutch; Grover means “noble” in Latin and “endearing” in German.
• OK, I made those up. Really, Elmo means “worthy to be loved” in Italian and “protector” in Latin; Grover means “a gardener” in English and “dweller in the grove” in Old English. But I like the other translations because they fit into my argument about Elmo’s worthlessness and malevolence more effectively.
• For my final point, I will pose an old-school SAT analogy question to illustrate the fact that Grover is authentic and classic, while Elmo is the inauthentic pretender to his wooly throne:

Grover:Elmo as

a) Led Zeppelin:Lenny Kravitz

b) John Coltrane:Kenny G

c) Walter Cronkite:Anderson Cooper

d) Allen Funt:Ashton Kutcher

e) All of the above ☺

Notice that Elmo is surreptitiously seeking to sabotage the plane’s tailfin,

then parachute to safety—and with Grover out of the way, realize Muppet supremacy.

Monday 1/16 : Partly sunny and seasonably cool. High 42, low 30. Sunny day / Sweepin’ the clouds away / On my way / To where the air is sweeeet / Can you tell me how to get / How to get to Sesame Streeeet?

Tuesday 1/17 : Cloudy with some passing rain showers possible, particularly in the morning. I’m keeping an eye on this system, as it could bring us some significant rainfall. It appears at this point that warm air will still be entrenched in our area at this point, keeping all the precipitation in the liquid phase. High 43, low 33.

Future weather : Look for highs generally in the 40s and lows in the 30s—not balmy like this week, but still milder than normal. For those of you who are pining away for snow days and/or delays, I think we’ll be waiting until at least the end of January for any such respite; there are no major snow events in the reasonably foreseeable future. So sorry!

Grover has a special place in my heart not simply because of his shenanigans on Sesame Street, and not merely due to the fact that his initials are the same as mine; Grover was (and is) a grizzled, well-worn, integral part of my family. I can recall having my Grover stuffed animal as early as age three. I was (and would remain) an only child, so playmates were typically scarce. We were inseparable. When I first got him, you see, Grover’s fur was shiny, and his posture rigid. Of course his coat had a deliberate tousled look, considering that one of Grover’s charms was his slightly scruffy and usually clumsy manner—but this was, in the language of collectibles, a near-mint condition stuffed animal.

And then it happened. One fateful evening when I was about 6 years old, I put on my footy pajamas, crawled in between my Peanuts sheets (Snoopy and Woodstock were playing a rather unconventional but quite spirited game of tennis on these linens, I can recall vividly) and green blanket, snuggled up to my Grover stuffed animal, and drifted off into a pleasant slumber. Then: Was it an undercooked pork chop? An excess of American cheese? A touch of the flu? These details are lost to me now, but what I am most certain of—what shattered the serenity of my six-year-old existence—is that I vomited. Copiously. And neither sheets, nor peejays, nor green blanket, nor most tragically Grover Monster, was spared the cruel trajectory of my prodigious regurgitation.

My father rushed in with the basin (a pale yellow vessel that became ubiquitous when one’s stomach was upset)—dear Father! Had not the damage already been done?—and he and my mother set to assessing and scrubbing away the remnants of my vesuvian disgorgement. Soon an emergency load of laundry was agitating away in the basement, in the wee hours of the morning, and newly bejammied and feeling better, I feel quickly asleep.

The next morning, my parents approached me like they had to tell me of the death of a favorite uncle. (I didn’t like any of my uncles, but it’s a simile.) “Glen,” my normally reticent father intoned, “come downstairs to the basement.” On the way outside, then down the steps, my father explained that although the care tag on Grover’s bum had said explicitly DO NOT WASH, they had in fact put him through the most delicate of cycles in an effort to rescue my friend from his pukey fate.

When we entered the dark, dank basement, the atmosphere was that of a postmortem. My mother was standing by the clothesline which ran half the length of the basement, looking grim and obviously bracing herself for my tortured histrionics. Two wooden clothespins held Grover’s miserably flaccid frame. Grover hung there, almost apologetically, like a prematurely wilted flower. His once-rigid neck was now hopelessly limp; his majestic, lustrous fur was now forever matted and dulled; his clear, bold pupils were now severely flaking. Though he was now barf-free, Grover Monster was in a sorry state indeed.

Grover was released from his clothesline intensive-care perch and placed tentatively in my waiting hands. I was in something like shock just now. I held his torso and wanted to look into his eyes—to search for any vestiges of my best friend. To my horror, his head lolled decisively backwards; I screamed, tossed Grover into my father’s arms, and ran upstairs, utterly beside myself with grief. That, I ruminated, had been one fateful hurl.

Thankfully, despite this rocky beginning, I quickly came to regard Grover as affectionately and enthusiastically as I ever had. In fact, I began to view Grover’s rough-hewn appearance with pride; he had weathered a good deal more than most of his stuffed animal contemporaries, and had emerged battle-scarred, but far stronger on the other side. My Nana would observe nearly every time she saw poor Grover: “He looks like he’s been through the war!” (Nana, my mother’s mother, was my favorite blood relative—not just because she was one of the few with whom we had regular contact, but because she was always on my side. When I would misbehave—which was seldom and usually trivial—she would tell my mother, “Oh, it’s just kid fashion.” I miss her.)

On one occasion, circa 1984, I thought it would be super fun to dress up Grover as international pop sensation Michael Jackson. Essentially I clad my furry friend in paper mockups of all the cool clothes I was sure I’d never be able to wear: leather pants with zippers on them, a sweet “V” jacket, oft sported by MJ, wristbands and Converse sneakers (I know MJ didn’t wear Converse typically; I guess I was conflating my desire to be a cool pop star with my desire to be Darryl Dawkins or Dr. J). I think you’ll find that in the picture below (taken by me in my bedroom, cutting off the top of Grover’s head; nice rug, huh?) is virtually indistinguishable from a picture of Thriller-era MJ:

Today, Grover is an indispensable part of the Martins’ lore. The pupil in his left eye is almost completely gone, which I attribute to cataracts. He is pathetically floppy, and his fur is matted and nearly covering his thin red lip, but he’s still, and always, Grover. He went to college and graduate school with me; he has gone on many vacations with us (see picture below of Grover hanging out on the balcony at one such location); he is my true and unwavering friend.

This forecast was brought to you by the letter G and the number 6 (Grover’s favorite number).

Monsoon

Welcome to Monsoon Martin's brand new weblog!

Weather-Friends,

I am pleased and excited to introduce my very own weblog! I will be working out some of the technical issues here at first, as I'm not sure I even have a complete handle on how this works. Your input and suggestions are vital and well appreciated!

I thought I'd present a vintage Monsoon piece as my first post; it's actually the first "themed" forecast I wrote, way back in January 2005 after I'd predicted a coating of snow and several inches had fallen. Only a handful of you have seen this, because at that time I was only sending reports out to members of the Governor Mifflin English Department. Now my mailing list has grown to a glorious 90 members; those who would like to be added to the list and notified when a new post is...posted, email me at monsoonmartin@gmail.com and let me know.

Without further ado...

Stuart Smalley’s A Daily Affirmation Forecast

25 January 2005

I am an awful human being. I am incompetent at meteorology. I was trying to help people, and I only succeeded in putting peoples’ lives in danger. I’m going to die homeless and penniless, and no one will ever love me.

OK, that’s stinkin’ thinkin’, and I shouldn’t do that to myself. I also should have known that in a moisture-saturated upper atmosphere, the snow totals for last night were bound to be greater than the coating I’d predicted. I should have known I’d be shoveling two inches of snow in my driveway on Monday night. I should have foreseen the treacherous roads this morning and the two-hour delay. I should have been the forecaster you all have come to rely on.

But…now I’m shoulding all over myself. And that’s…OK. Well, no it’s not. It’s not OK to should all over myself, but it is OK to forgive myself for doing so. I own my shoulding. Oh, I’m a mess. I feel myself going into a shame spiral. Where’s the Entenmann’s?

Let me start over. It’s time to let all the regret go and be in the moment. As my Al-Anon sponsor says, I am a human being, not a human doing.

The forecast: snow tonight. Now, now…I know that’s not what any of us wants to hear, but it’s not going to help anything to bury our heads in the sand. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.

Partly cloudy today with a high of 33. Snow developing late, but mainly after midnight. Low tonight 21. Accumulations by daybreak ranging from 1 to 3 inches.

Wednesday: light snow showers may appear in the morning and early afternoon, but will not produce any appreciable accumulation. What these snow showers will produce, however, is whining from our students, who will want to be sent home early. And as we all know, whining is just anger coming through a very small opening.

High Wednesday, 33; low, 10. I do not feel any of the precipitation Tuesday night or Wednesday will be “mixed”…it should be all snow.

Chance of delay Wednesday, 55%; chance of cancellation, 10%.

Becoming much colder Wednesday night as the skies clear.

Thursday: mostly sunny; high 20, low 3.

Friday: mostly sunny; high 24, low 12.

Saturday: clouds developing, but that’s…OK. Clouds are not bad or good. They just are. High 33, low 25.

Sunday: precipitation moves into the area in the morning, potentially continuing into Monday. At this point, it appears that at least some of this will be “mixed”—rain, snow, and sleet. Conditions Monday could be a bit tricky. It’s difficult to pinpoint amounts and precipitation type this far ahead of the storm. (And that’s…OK. Sometimes we have to put on our fuzzy slippers, curl up on the couch, and pour ourselves a cup of uncertain-tea.)

Whew. This has been a fantastic forecast. And do you know why I was able to produce such a fantastic forecast? Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough…and doggone it, I can prognosticate super well.

Stuart “Monsoon” Smalley