Monsoon Martin's Weather Update for Friday, 18 April 2008

My friends,

If you’ll permit me, I have a couple of odds and ends before I bring you the weather.

First, I have an exciting announcement: After six long, pointless seasons, I have officially kicked my “American Idol” habit! I wasn’t “feelin’ it” (as Randy might say) as the season began, but typically became more interested when the field was narrowed down to 12 in previous seasons. But this year, I haven’t watched more than an hour of the show altogether, and the feeling is wonderful. I have missed some truly awful guest stars and song styles: the Dolly Parton songbook, “inspirational” music, and Mariah Carey’s oeuvre come to mind most readily. At long last, I can honestly say that I have absolutely no stake in who wins this thing, no simmering hatreds of overly perky contestants, no hotly contested, cheating-wracked Idol pool with my (current or former) colleagues. I am free!

And yet, I have not quite emerged unscathed from the morass of televised “reality” show competitions. No, I haven’t become hooked on the gleefully vile, gyrating humpanalia “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila 2” or the cloying ego-fest “Oprah’s Big Give.”

It’s almost worse.

Back in February I heard that a man who substitute teaches in our building once in a while was going to be on a reality show called “Your Mama Don’t Dance.” The premise of the show is that young, professional dancers must partner up with their parents (female dancers with their fathers, male dancers with their moms) and perform a series of routines, week after week. Doug Croner of Gilbertsville—the aforementioned substitute teacher—would be paired up with his daughter, Noelle.

Let me try to state in the briefest terms what this insipid Lifetime network show, airing Friday nights at 9pm, is all about.

First, it is hosted by the almost unbelievably smarmy and cheesy Ian Ziering (pretentiously pronounced EYE-in ZHEER-ing) of “Beverly Hills 90210” “fame.”

Each pair prepares a dance based on the week’s theme—it might be cowboy music, it might be hip-hop dance, it might be showtunes; it will be ridiculous—and is shown in a short taped package rehearsing the routine. Then the pair perform the routine and are rated on a scale of 100 by three judges—choreographer (and former J-Lo beau) Cris Judd, the inexplicably well-known Vitamin C, and the wildly eccentric and inscrutable dancer extraordinaire, Ben Vereen. The scores are invariably inflated, the feedback stunningly incoherent. The two pairs with the lowest scores at the end of each show land in the bottom two; call-in votes determine which pair will survive to next week and which will go home.

On the first episode, Noelle and Doug, horrifically clad in sequined costumes, danced the most cringe-inducing, inappropriately seductive routine (remember, they’re father and daughter) to Britney Spears’ “Toxic,” which was highlighted on the snarky weekend wrap-ups “Talk Soup” (on E!) and “Best Week Ever” (on VH1). We were hooked. (I say “we” because I have involved Wendi in my sickness, and I am not sorry.)

[A note here: I tried and tried to find a clip online of this performance, but could not. For this I am sorry. It really defies description, so if you can ever find it, you won’t soon forget it.]

In subsequent weeks, the performances have only become more disturbing, and somehow Noelle and Doug have made it through week after week. Two weeks ago they performed a hip-hop routine (go to the video entitled “Bottom Pair – Episode 6” if you dare) that surely made Jam-Master Jay spin like a top in his grave—and it wasn’t even the most offensive or “urban” stereotype-laden performance of the night.

In my defense, I typically only watch until Noelle and Doug are on—which, for some reason, happens to be very near the end of each episode. I watch with a mixture of revulsion and bemusement, schadenfreude and an unshakable sense of the coming apocalypse, ultimately rooting against them so I could stop watching this infernal show.

And yet, that strategy has never paid off, as they’ve now made it to the last show, and I’m still tethered to it.

Anywho, this deeply sucky show mercifully has its finale tonight at 9pm, during which the final three pairs (including Noelle and Doug) will perform, and the several hundred people watching live on TV will vote for the winner.

Thanks for allowing me that confession. And now…

Weather narrative: The temperature got into the low 80s in most places within the forecast area (Reading, central and southern Berks County, central and northern Lancaster County) yesterday, and I think we’ll get at least that warm again today and perhaps even again on Saturday.

On Sunday, a front comes through that will cool things off and kick up some breezes; it may bring a few showers, but I don’t think we’ll have significant rainfall. Behind that, we’ll start next week with temperatures that are still higher than normal, but more moderate and pleasant than the highs we’re seeing right now. (“Normal” conditions in our region for this time of year are highs in the low 60s and lows in the low 40s.)

Things get somewhat cooler by the end of next week, with highs only getting into the low 60s and windy conditions making it feel like the 40s or 50s. High temperatures will dip into the 50s in the last several days of April, with the chance of significant rainfall on those days.

Beyond the forecast: As we head into May, things will cool off a bit, as the WeatherTable trend bears out. By the second week in May, though, highs should perk back up into the 60s and perhaps even 70s, for those of you who like that sort of thing.

Monsoon

Monsoon Goes To Prison - Part Two

My friends,

After 1,300 travel miles, four states, and two prisons, I am safely back in Pennsylvania.  I'm still gathering my thoughts about this incredible experience and will post them soon in Part Three of this series.

Thank you to Curt Tofteland, who was so gracious in inviting me to visit, so generous in sharing his program with me, and so kind in shepherding me around the greater Louisville area.

Thank you to Larry Chandler, warden of the Kentucky State Reformatory, who led us on a thorough and eye-opening tour of his facility.

Thank you to the staff members of both the Kentucky State Reformatory and Luther Luckett Correctional Complex, who made my visit a smooth and informative one.

And finally, thank you to the troupe members of Shakespeare Behind Bars, past and present, who welcomed me into their fold for a couple of days and allowed me to observe their little family.

It was an unforgettable experience that will inform and inspire me, and that I will always cherish.

Monsoon

Monsoon's Weather Update for Wednesday, 9 April 2008

Friends,

Below the WeatherTable is the weather narrative...

Weather narrative: Unseasonably warm temperatures will move in today and tomorrow; a few showers are possible later today. Friday and Saturday will be rainy off and on and potentially rather turbulent: showers and thunderstorms are possible either day.

Look for breezy and cooler conditions Sunday through Tuesday with highs struggling to get out of the 40s; milder conditions will return by the end of next week.

The following weekend (4/19 and 4/20) looks spring-like with highs near (and possibly above) 70. Time to get out the mower!

Beyond the forecast table: Seasonable with highs in the mid to upper 50s and lows in the upper 30s to low 40s.

Monsoon

Monsoon Goes To Prison - Part One

First, to set your minds at ease (or, for those of you who’d like to see me behind bars, to cruelly disappoint you): I am not being incarcerated, and I have not been accused of a crime; unless and until our government officially outlaws thinking for oneself, I hope never to be arrested or jailed.

Nor am I visiting an uncle or acquaintance in the pokey; none of my kith and kin are, to my knowledge, currently in jail.

It’s actually an educational opportunity (no, not “Scared Straight”) that will take me to the Luther Luckett Correctional Complex in La Grange, Kentucky next week.

About a year ago, I was flipping channels and happened upon a film on one of the premium channels called Shakespeare Behind Bars. I watched as convicted felons analyzed, parsed, rehearsed, reflected, and argued their way to creating a performance of Shakespeare’s The Tempest. Led by Curt Tofteland, the men who participated in the program which shares the film’s title were as breathtaking as the “forces of nature” that open the play.

[Check out the film's official website, which has the trailer, photos, and information about cast and crew.]

As I watched the film, I was struck by the fact that we met the members of the troupe first as actors, then as convicts. In moving scenes throughout the film, some of the principal players painfully and honestly discuss their crimes (one man killed his wife, another his mistress; one man is behind bars for armed robbery; still another sexually assaulted seven girls)—but not before we meet them as men. Our society has a frightening tendency to regard its incarcerated as less than human—cast-offs without whom society is far better off. But the reality is that these are flawed individuals, like all of us (though, as an inmate named Leonard acknowledges in the film, their mistakes are far more grave than most of ours).

The program exists largely thanks to then-Warden Larry Chandler, who believed strongly that prisoners should be rehabilitated (it is, after all, the corrections system) because most of them are going to rejoin society at some point.

It’s a theme that runs through both the play they perform in the film and the film itself: restorative vs. retributive justice. In The Tempest, a character named Prospero (played by inmate Hal, below) is exiled to an island and spends twelve years honing his magical powers and plotting his revenge again his usurpers. When he creates a magnificent storm (the tempest of the title) that shipwrecks them and delivers them to his island, he gradually realizes the value of forgiveness: “Though with their high wrongs I am struck to th’ quick, / Yet with my nobler reason ‘gainst my fury / Do I take part. The rarer action is / In virtue than in vengeance” (5.1.32-36).

Inspired by the resonance and emotional power of the film, I contacted Curt Tofteland, who is the founder and volunteer director of the Shakespeare Behind Bars program. We began an email correspondence about the themes of the film, updates on the prisoners, and the background of the program.

Curt is a trained actor who became involved in the Kentucky Shakespeare Festival in the 1980s, becoming its director in the late 1980s and revitalizing the program. He began Shakespeare Behind Bars (SBB) in the 1990s and a few media outlets took notice; the Christian Science Monitor did an outstanding, in-depth piece on the program in 2002.

By the early aughts he was fielding requests from filmmakers who wanted to document his program. He reportedly turned many of them down, however, after viewing their previous work: he is understandably protective of SBB, and knew it had to be portrayed in just the right light in a film. Eventually filmmakers Hank Rogerson and Jilann Spitzmiller fit the bill; filming took place over a year in 2003-04; and it was released in 2005. Curt is planning on retiring from the Kentucky Shakespeare Festival (and SBB) next year and writing a book about the SBB program.

Shakespeare Behind Bars made a splash at Sundance, where it received enthusiastic and warm responses from packed houses all week. The actor and director Steve Buscemi attended a screening and said, “It's a wonderful film. I was amazed by what they could do and by Curt’s commitment. And I see that these men are trying and it's heartbreaking. I hope they all make it – it’s in our interest that they do,” he said. The movie “totally captivated me and it moved me—and that’s a great film.”

In the course of my email correspondence with Curt Tofteland, I explained that I was teaching the play The Tempest to my Honors English 11 class, and that I had purchased the DVD and would be showing the film immediately following our study of the play, then having the students write reaction pieces. He asked if I would send him copies of what the students wrote, and then extended a thrilling offer that stunned me with its openness:

glen,

if you would like to visit the sbb program, let me know. we are preparing julius caesar for may performances.

blessings,

curt

He sent me a list of rehearsal and performance dates; I decided it might be more fruitful to see rehearsals than the finished product (it is, after all, about the process) so I chose some dates in the middle of April. I made arrangements to drive out there (I eschew flying), filled out a security form, and that was that: I’m visiting Luther Luckett Correctional Complex next week!

My students read The Tempest and responded wonderfully to the play (and after having read two tragedies this year, Macbeth and Hamlet, they should have been thrilled to read a comedy/romance), after which I showed the Shakespeare Behind Bars. They were moved—if a bit troubled, at first—by the stories of these men, and wrote beautiful reaction pieces. “The prisoners gain an intense appreciation for Shakespeare’s art when they experience it on a personal level,” wrote one student. Another student echoed, “Curt Tofteland’s rigorous program requires the participants to fully analyze the play by searching beyond the text to make an emotional connection.” Still another observed, “I used to think that criminals were monsters who took great pleasure in doing heinous crimes. But as I listened to the confessions of the inmates, I realized that they weren’t monsters at all but were as human as everyone else.”

After we had viewed and discussed the film, I told them of my plans to visit the program in April. “Can we come too?” was one immediate question (no; when I talked to my principal about the potential visitation, he went pale as a ghost until he realized that I wanted to undertake the visit alone and was not interested in taking my students to the prison). “Will you stay overnight in the prison?” was another (no; again, this is not “Scared Straight,” and one of my greatest fears is confinement. One hour in a cell and I’d be crying out like new prisoner “Fat Ass” in the beginning of the film The Shawshank Redemption: “You don’t understand! I’m not supposed to be here!”). Mostly they were excited that I would be getting to meet Curt Tofteland and some of the prisoners (many of whom, after all, are still in prison and involved with the program), that I would take copious notes, and that I would be sure and share all the details on my return.

And so I’m off on a grand adventure to La Grange, Kentucky. It may seem to some like a strange way to use one’s personal days, but I wouldn't want to spend them stuck on some beach.  I think my trip to the Luther Luckett Correctional Complex will be an engaging and unforgettable. No matter what happens, though, I can be certain of one thing: I’ll have good stories to tell!

Monsoon

[Shakespeare Behind Bars can be purchased directly from the filmmakers’ website, via amazon.com, or at any number of other outlets, but is generally not available as in-stock merchandise in stores.]

Monsoon's "Happy Birthday, James Garner!" Flashback Forecast

Happy birthday to James Garner, who was born 80 years ago today! In honor of this milestone, I’m reaching two and a half years into the past to present a Flashback Forecast. This was written when I was a “Rockford Files” ingénue, having seen a few episodes when I was very young and a bunch more syndicated on WGN weekday mornings one summer. Since then, five of the six seasons of “The Rockford Files” have been released on DVD (and promptly snapped up and voraciously viewed by me), and my knowledge and affection for the series and the man have only deepened.  (I even sent the man a fan letter and received an autographed photo in response!)

When I wrote the forecast below, for example, I had not yet seen what I consider to be perhaps the greatest "Rockford Files" episode of all-time: "Just Another Polish Wedding" from season three, in which guest stars Isaac Hayes (as ex-con Gandolph "Gandy" Fitch) and Lou Gossett Jr. (as shady PI Marcus "Gabby" Hayes) beat up a gang of Neo-Nazis in a bar.

My fondest “Rockford Files” wish—aside from the prompt release of the abbreviated season six and all eight “Rockford Files” TV movies from the 90s—is to procure an authentic license plate for my car like the one on Jim’s Pontiac Firebird. The California plate read “853 OKG” in honor of Garner’s home state (Oklahoma Garner) and Garner’s first paid acting job (August 1953).

There are too many great lines in the series to count, and surely I have made misstatements and incomplete references below. But it’s my little elegy of appreciation for a great show, and a fantastic actor.

Happy birthday, Jimbo!

(Please note that the forecast material presented below is from September 2005.)

Jim “Monsoon” Rockford’s Private Investigation Forecast

Thursday, 15 September 2005

Rrrrrring! Rrrrrring! “This is Jim Rockford. At the tone, leave your name and message. I’ll get back to you.” Then there would be a message from a bill collector, prospective client, or old flame designed to underscore Rockford’s caddish, unkempt but ultimately irresistible nature. (Some of the most entertaining of these messages are sprinkled throughout the forecast for your edification.) And finally, a series of still photographs of Jim about town and on the job would accompany the unforgettable theme composed by Mike Post: (Bu-da-bum-bum) DE-nau, de ne nau, de ne ne ne ne nauww…like that. (Go to this website  if you’ve never heard it, or want to hear it again.)

Second only to Knight Rider in the pantheon of television adventure-dramas, The Rockford Files ran from 1974 to 1980 and turned the private-investigator genre on its head. Its hero wasn’t a crusader for justice driven to uncover the truth, buoyed by a preternatural intuition. James Scott Rockford (played by two-time Emmy winner James Scott Bumgarner, better known as James Garner) was a washed-up con artist on whom the slime of the underworld still lingered. He served five years of a 20-year sentence at San Quentin before his case was reopened and he was pardoned. Still he was not a favorite of the police due to his shady dealings and even shadier friends.

“Jim, it's Norma at the market. It bounced. You want us to tear it up, send it back, or put it with the others?”

Thurs. 9/15: partly cloudy and still quite humid with a lingering shower or two possible—the remnants of Ophelia begin to ooch by—particularly in the morning. A better chance of sustained rainfall, with locally heavy amounts possible, and a stray thunderstorm toward evening and overnight. High 86, low 67.

Incidentally, I think it's interesting that Hurricane (now Tropical Storm) Ophelia is behaving much like the character in Shakespeare's Hamlet. (In fact, I am certain the seniors I have taught in the past four years are all making this connection as well.) Just like her namesake, Ophelia has been erratic and unpredictable—hugging the coast one minute, changing direction out to sea the next; intense and ferocious one minute, meek and retiring the next. Ophelia is also doling out a lot of rain (in Hamlet, Ophelia cried a lot—it’s a stretch, but stay with me). And finally, similar to the fate met by the character, Ophelia will head out to sea by Sunday, where she will die...

Fri. 9/16: mostly cloudy with scattered showers possible; some could be heavy. Thunderstorms—some severe—are likely at night as a cool front comes in from the northwest. Humidity will likely diminish beginning in the evening and cool, dry air will replace the tropical ick we've been enjoying this week. High 80, low 64.

“Hi, Jim. Thanks for the dinner invitation. I'd love to, but does it have to be the taco stand?”

After his release, Jim made his home in a trailer parked in a lot just behind a Los Angeles-area beach. He often seemed reluctant to take on cases, even though his financial situation was tenuous at best, and made it abundantly clear to those who crossed his path that he would rather be fishing. And his crotchety dad, Rocky (played by Noah Beery), constantly nagged him about getting a real job, and viewed his son’s P.I. dabblings mostly with scorn.

Still, this being a television show, Jim Rockford would inevitably be drawn (seemingly involuntarily) into all manner of odd dealings. Jim’s ingenuity, charm, and ability to see through the prevarications and motives of others are undeniable. There were memorable characters aside from Jim, including Angel (played by Stuart Margolin), Rockford’s dull-witted former cellmate who seemed to be a magnet for trouble; and Dennis Becker (played by veteran character actor Joe Santos), Rockford’s primary police contact, who took flak from his superiors for his relationship with Jim—and often took it out on Rockford as a result—but who was ultimately a good friend to the protagonist.

“It's Laurie at the trailer park. A space opened up. Do you want me to save it or are the cops going to let you stay where you are?”

Sat. 9/17: partly sunny, but clearing in the afternoon. [It is possible that some of the rain from Ophelia could linger into Saturday and make that day wet as well, but I’m convinced at this point that we’ll be clearing out by Saturday.] A gentle wind. Pleasant! High 76, low 53.

“Tompkins at Guaranteed Insurance. About your burglary claim. Major loss all right. Funny you remembered to file, but you didn't remember to pay your premium.”

Sun.9/18: clear and nice. A crisp little autumnal breeze will tickle your nostrils with the promise of fall foliage vistas, jumping in piles of leaves, and of course, that glorious high school caste system- and gender role-affirming ritual, Homecoming. High 77, low 53.

This weather is reminiscent of Malibu and the L.A. coastal regions this time of year (OK, most times of year), where Jim Rockford parked his trailer.

In Norman, Oklahoma, James Garner’s hometown, weekend weather will be hot and humid with highs in the low 90s and lows around 72 all weekend and into next week.

“This is Toby. I forgot what I was calling for. Your recording is so boring. Spike it with some humor, some personality. Something.”

One of the most memorable episodes is 1975’s “The Farnsworth Strategem,” in which Jim Rockford poses as a Texas oil tycoon in order to con (and get even with) a shady underworld type who was swindling an acquaintance of Jim’s. Classic Rockford.

But perhaps as memorable as James Garner’s bravura performance as Jim Rockford, and the eclectic cast of characters with which he surrounded himself, were the dazzling array of guest stars. In several episodes, Isaac Hayes played a no-nonsense ex-con Rockford had known on the inside named Gandolph Fitch who loved to mispronounce Jim’s last name “Rockfish.” Lou Gossett played a character named Marcus “Gabby” Hayes. (There were plans to create spinoffs for both the Gossett and Hayes characters, but these never came to fruition.)

Other notable guest stars who were successful in their own right included James Woods, Linda Evans, Joan Van Ark, Ned Beatty, James Cromwell, Abe Vigoda, Michael Lerner, Gerald McRaney, Jill Clayburgh, Stefanie Powers, Rob Reiner (as a washed-up quarterback, sans hairpiece), Robert Loggia, Larry Hagman, Rick Springfield, Lauren Bacall, Rita Moreno, Tom Selleck, Hector Elizondo, and the incomparable Rene Auberjonois—of Benson and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine fame.

Next week: For most of next week, our weather pattern will be relatively stable, unlike Rockford’s erratic former cellmate Angel. Look for low humidity, highs in the mid 70s, and lows in the low to mid 50s. Moderate westerly winds each day. Thursday 9/22 is the autumnal equinox, officially ushering in the fall season.

Long term: I don't see any of this hot, humid craziness in the forecast for the remainder of September. Seriously!

James Garner, who worked in oil fields as a teenager growing up in Oklahoma to help put food on his family’s table, has been just as hard-working in his acting career. Best-known for his roles on the television series Maverick and The Rockford Files, Garner has also had a successful film career, the highlights of which include Murphy’s Romance (for which he was nominated for an Oscar as Best Actor; the underrated romp My Fellow Americans with Jack Lemmon as an ex-president; and The Notebook, in which he gives one of his finest—and most moving—performances. He received a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Screen Actors Guild earlier this year.

The Rockford Files is currently shown on WGN Superstation—but inconceivably, WGN has shredded several minutes of the original episodes each hour in order to run 10 to 12 minutes of commercials. The result is that it has been difficult to see original episodes of this show, in their original form, as was intended upon the creation of the universe. The good news: Season One on DVD will finally be released December 2005!

Monsoon 

Monsoon Martin's Warming Trend Forecast for Wednesday, 2 April 2008

A general warming trend will define the weather pattern for the coming weeks. Though there are aspects of spring that I enjoy, two side effects of the spring fever in particular are anathema to me: warmth and bugs. Both of these scourges reared their ugly heads yesterday: the temperature reached 70 in some places with high humidity as a cold front moved through; and last evening, I opened the back door of my home only to be greeted by a large, brown arachnid in the jamb. It had an arse the size of a softball (I tried to look up what the ass-end of a spider is really called, but I couldn’t stand to look at the pictures of spiders on entomology websites) and legs like nautical rope.

Yes, friends, the return of insects also marks the return of my wildly hyperbolic tendencies.

The spider was looking at me with all eight of its eyes (again, I don’t know how many eyes a spider really has, but I can’t bring myself to brave the World Wide Web and its horrifying array of arachnid photos), daring me to take it on. I vanquished the beast with a potent stream of Simple Green—my weapon of choice for spiderfighting, in that it ensures there will be no close contact—which eventually sent the creature thudding to the patio and lumbering unhappily away.

And in that moment I missed winter so, so much—missed it in all its frigid, spiderless, grey-and-brown landscaped glory.

On to the forecast, including the return of the WeatherTable, which follows the text forecast…

Today will be chilly and windy with lots of sunshine and blue skies. High 51, low 26.

Thursday will feature sunshine early; clouds will increase through the late afternoon and evening, and showers will develop sometime after 8 or 9pm. High 55, low 41.

Friday looks overcast with steady rain and periods of showers throughout the day, tapering to drizzle late. High 59, low 48.

Saturday will be cloudy for the most part, with perhaps a lingering shower or two in the morning; clearing late. High 56, low 38.

On Sunday, temperatures will be milder and skies will be partly to mostly sunny. High 61, low 40.

Next week looks like more of the same, for the most part. Highs will be in the mid to upper 50s to near 60; lows will be in the lower 40s. Windy on Tuesday and Wednesday. Best chances for rain next week are Monday the 7th (a few showers in the evening) and Thursday the 10th (rainy throughout).

Friday, April 11th will be noticeably warmer and quite sunny with a high of 67 and a low of 39.

The following weekend looks a bit cooler over all: Saturday the 12th will be sunny and chilly with a high in the mid 50s and a low in the mid 30s. Sunday the 13th looks rainy and windy with temperatures struggling to get out of the 40s.

Beyond that, we’ll trend warmer again, but not dramatically. Highs will be in the mid 50s; lows in the mid 30s.

Monsoon

Monsoon's Weather Update for Thursday, 27 March 2008

We’re entering a fairly moist spell here, but this is typical for the first several weeks of spring. Make sure to keep an umbrella handy—though I don’t foresee any soaking downpours or dangerously high winds in our immediate future.

[A reminder to my out-of-the-area readers: my weather forecasts cover the immediate area in which I, and my kith and kin, live and work: northern Lancaster County, central and southern Berks County.  Sometimes I comment on the weather in the Philadelphia region, Allentown, Harrisburg, and other places nearby.]

Today we’ll see overcast skies and chilly conditions with periods of rain throughout the day. This evening will bring scattered showers. High 44, low 37.

Friday looks cooler with some steadier periods of rain, but I don’t expect a great deal of precipitation. Rain will taper to scattered showers and drizzle Friday evening. High 41, low 32.

The weekend is looking a bit milder and quite windy with partly cloudy to sunny skies. Highs will be in the upper 40s to low 50s; lows in the low to mid 30s.

Monday will be cloudy and potentially rainy with a high around 48 and a low around 35.

Tuesday and Wednesday, the first two days of April, will be breezy and much milder with partly cloudy skies. Look for highs in the upper 50s and perhaps even low 60s; lows will be in the upper 30s.

Thursday, April 3^rd will see rain move in late in the day; it will continue into Friday and may be heavy at times. A strong cold front is moving through late Friday, so the possibility of isolated thunderstorms cannot be ruled out.

Next weekend will bring more below-normal temperatures after we have been tantalized with 60-degree-plus readings during the week. Highs will be in the 40s, lows in the upper 20s or low 30s.

The following week (beginning with Monday, April 7^th) will bring dry, pleasant, spring-like weather, with highs reaching into the 50s at the beginning of the week and perhaps the upper 60s by the end of the week.

Monsoon

Monsoon Martin's "Five Guys": Yum! Restaurant Review

Me and my homegirls were just embarking on a leisurely day of shopping, camaraderie, and wanton double-entendre when I broached the topic of lunch. It had been decided that we would dine at the Cracker Barrel—a determination that aroused in me great excitement, for the C.B. has some of the finest burgers I have ever enjoyed: hearty and succulent without fail. As I exited the Route 30 East bypass to access the Lincoln Highway and eventually the Cracker Barrel at the Rockvale Outlets, my backseat passenger gesticulated wildly and cried out, “Five Guys!” Now, in her condition, Megan has been saying all kinds of crazy shit lately, so sometimes we just ignore her—but there was a quality to her voice that we dared not disregard.

[An important aside here: Yes, the “condition” to which I referred above is the condition of pregnancy. She has—as has been said cheerily by someone who has likely never given birth—a roomer in the womber. A bun in the oven. She’s eating for two. In fact, our petite friend has been so ravenously hungry during the first stages of her pregnancy that we have taken to calling her the Snackasaurus. So voracious and unquenchable is her appetite that she once pitifully toted a bag containing the salty, shard-like remnants of Pringles Minis to sustain her through a ten-minute faculty meeting.

Megan’s offspring, whose gender is as yet undetermined, has completed roughly one-third of his or her gestation period, and is expected to enter the world fully formed sometime in early September. Her pregnancy has thus far been an utter delight, as has she, and she has embraced her changing body and the creature’s relentless siphoning of her nutrients and energy with utter enthusiasm and composure. She was not even bothered one iota by the constant feeling of profound nausea that marked her entire first trimester. In fact, she began to welcome her daily cafeteria duty as an orgy of olfactory and aural pleasures: the smell of “tater tots and despair” (W. Greenleaf) brings only a broad smile to the glowing face of this diminutive soon-to-be mother. On more than a few occasions, we have had to ask Megan to stop singing or whistling “Zip-A-Dee-Do-Dah!” because she’s just too goddamned chipper about it all.

In all seriousness (a phrase I loathe, but I mean it, because I’m going to stop being facetious and say something sincere), we love Megan and know that she’ll get through the remainder of her pregnancy just fine. And I will be privileged to announce the birth of the child in this forum when it occurs, along with all the quantitative information that is typically demanded of such a messenger.]

That was a hell of an aside, but it’s one that needed to be made. So Megan explained that she’d been to a Five Guys restaurant in the Horsham area (near where she’s from) several times and that she found their burgers to be outstanding. Since I am on a perpetual mission to find the perfect burger (as I discussed in an earlier post), that was all I needed to hear; I cried, “I’ve never had Five Guys!”, undertook some fancy driving maneuvers and we made our way back to Five Guys.

Five Guys Burgers and Fries is a franchised establishment located at 2090 Lincoln Highway (in the East Towne Plaza) in Lancaster, across from the Howard Johnson’s. The hours of operation are straightforward, dependable, and generous: 11am to 10pm every day of the week.

When we walked in the joint, I was immediately impressed by Five Guys’ apparently absolute lack of pretension. Though it was evident from the color scheme and decorative flourishes that the restaurant was trying to evoke in its customers a sort of nostalgia for the roadside burger stands and soda fountains of a bygone era, all links to this era were made subtly: the walls were not cluttered with 1957 Chevy tail fins, 45-rpm records, or pictures of Lucille Ball and Elvis Presley. The workers were not costumed in smart, red-and-white striped shirts and white pants with little paper hats. Bill Haley and the Comets were not playing on the sound system.

Five Guys’ décor is refreshingly understated and uncluttered. The walls are decorated with the company’s signature red-and-white checkerboard pattern and posted in the windows are quotations from a variety of sources praising Five Guys’ burgers.

Two- and four-person tables with pull-out chairs are scattered throughout the clean, pleasantly-lighted (with environmentally-friendly fluorescent bulbs) seating area, which is punctuated by a few shelving units holding bulk-sized food-service containers of mayonnaise, ketchup, and other burger essentials. And no pictures of the food confront the customer, arousing in him or her unrealistic expectations about the plumpness, freshness, or presentation of the victuals that may ultimately go unrequited.

The front counter is mesmerizing in its simplicity: One orders on the left side and picks up (when called) on the right side, each of which is clearly marked. The menu—a large, clear, easy-to-read painted board suspended from the ceiling behind the counter—is an oasis of minimalism in a helter-skelter world that overwhelms us to near-paralysis with its obscenely myriad choices for the most mundane of items. The menu contains fifteen items, including famous burgers with various toppings, “little” burgers (a single, smaller patty), hot dogs with various toppings, and famous fries in regular or large size; drinks come at a fixed price, for which the customer is given a cup and set free to imbibe as much of the Coca-Cola products he or she can vend out of the self-service fountain dispenser.

(Compare this fifteen-item menu with that of Cracker Barrel, which has more than 60 items without even counting beverages or desserts; or even with Crest toothpaste, which sells 24 different products at a recent unscientific survey of two local supermarkets.)

Furthermore, there are as many toppings as menu items—ranging from mayonnaise, pickles and lettuce to jalapenos and hot sauce—and not only are they absolutely free of charge, but they are not added to the burger unless the customer asks.

(One of my pet peeves as a restaurant patron and inveterate fussypants is the wanton and careless making of assumptions by chefs and waitstaff regarding what I might want. Why is it standard practice to place a lemon wedge at the top of a glass of water? I asked for water, not lemon-flavored water with a lemon seed and some pulp floating around in it. And why have you placed my cheesecake slice on top of a bed of raspberry sauce? Such a preparation was not specified on the menu. In your chef’s ham-fisted attempts at fanciness, I am now saddled with competing flavors when endeavoring to enjoy this most sacred of desserts. I could go on.)

And finally, the detail that won my heart before I ever took a bite: between the ordering counter and seating area are stacked fifty-pound bags of potatoes that have been hand-selected for Five Guys; a small chalkboard propped up next to the counter announces the origin of the potatoes that are being used to make the fries. (During our meal, one of the staff at Five Guys actually came out, muscled one of the eight-or-so bags off the pile, and carried it back to the kitchen to be used in the making of more delicious famous fries!)

It was time to step up to the counter and make my decision. Luckily, my two dining companions made their selections before me, so I had plenty of time to peruse the menu and arrive at the most prudent course of action. Since I knew I would be reviewing the burger here, I thought basic was best: I ordered the Bacon Cheeseburger (which consists of two 3.3-pound patties, with bacon and cheese), regular-size fries, and a Coke. The grand total was a little pricey—more than $9 including tax—but far more important to me than price is value, and that would be the critical barometer.

After waiting for about six minutes for my number to be called, I was presented with a grease-stained, blank paper bag that presumably contained the food I had ordered. My dining companions and I eagerly emptied our bags, bursting with anticipation and the thrill of discovery, and unwrapped the burgers.

The Fries

Five Guys’ “famous fries” are cooked in peanut oil and have no cholesterol, according to the menu, so at least there’s that—although let’s be honest here: if you’re eating at Five Guys, you’re throwing dietary caution to the wind to a great extent. Each of us got a regular order of fries, and each of us pulled out of our bags an overflowing stand-up container about the size of a soda can. Inside the bag were many more fries—at least enough to have filled the container to about half its capacity when it had been emptied. The fries were plentiful, but were they any good?

My friends, they were magnificent. Now, if you’re looking for golden-brown fries in the fast-food tradition, or the steak fries one might find at Cracker Barrel, you will be disappointed. These fries, many of which have potato skins still attached, are crispy on the outside, and nice and chewy on the inside—kind of like the fries you might find at a carnival presented in a paper cup with a picture of fries ringing its exterior, or even at the Solanco Fair. In keeping with the Five Guys atmosphere and straightforward methodology, the fries were not seasoned with any paprika or rosemary, not sprinkled with Cajun spices, not beer-battered and honey-cured. They were sliced and expertly cooked, and presented to my grateful and welcoming palate. Below, a delirious Megan takes an approving bite of a Five Guys fry.

While conducting research for this post, I came across a review of a new Five Guys by the restaurant critic for a television news program in Charlotte, NC; it describes the almost sacrosanct process used to make the fries, and the glorious end product:

First the crew blanches the prepared potatoes by dipping them into a pot of boiling water for a minute or so and then rinsing them with an ice water bath. The blanching process removes any excess water from the potato, which results in a more golden and crispier outside edge to the fried potato. After blanching, the preboiled potatoes are allowed to rest. Next, potatoes are deep-fried to order in 100 percent peanut oil. The end result is what many refer to as “boardwalk fries,” long but thick-cut potatoes that are crispy on the outside with the soft, warm consistency of a baked potato on the inside.

The Beverages

As noted above, the self-service fountain dispenser offers an impressive array of Coca-Cola products. I had regular Coca-Cola and found it to be outstanding in the freshness of its ingredients and the proper admixture of its component parts: not too much fizz, not too much syrup. Below, Wendi signals her enthusiastic approval of her beverage.

The “free refills” feature was well appreciated, too, as copious amounts of liquids were needed to wash down all the delectable meat and potatoes I’d consumed—but then, I’m getting ahead of myself.

The Burger

It was time for my first bite of a Five Guys burger—a moment that was captured for posterity by Megan and appears in the photograph below.

If it is indeed possible to feel love for one’s lunch—if genuine affection can develop between a man and his sustenance, even as he consumes it—then I loved this burger. (There, I’ve said it!) It brought me intense gratification while I knew it; it held wondrous surprises; I was disappointed when it came to an end; and I suffered no ill effects from the relationship. It was, in two words, gustatory perfection.

Allow me to describe the assembly of the burger from the bottom up, since I am fond of the notion of proletarian revolution. First, the bottom of the lightly-grilled bun (which I will describe later); then, the bacon, which was crisp and fresh; then, a hamburger patty; then liberally applied cheese slices; then another hamburger patty; then still more cheese; and the masterpiece was finished off by the lightly-grilled bun-top. The location of the bacon underneath the patties—as well as the presence of the cheese in between as well as on top of the patties—were agreeable variations and showed real ingenuity while working within the confines of acceptable burger construction.

The buns are baked by Five Guys specially for their burgers and dogs, and though I usually eschew sesame seed rolls, this one caused me no consternation whatsoever. In fact, Megan observed that one almost does not really notice the bun—which is, I think, one of the signs of an outstanding hamburger roll. It exists to protect the diner’s hands from becoming soiled with cheese and hamburger grease and to contribute the mildest starchy note to finish off the symphony of flavor; but if it is noticed readily, it means either that it’s too thick, too unwieldy, or that is has impertinently asserted itself too insistently, subsuming the burger-intake process.

I was carried away by a harmonious blend of burgerlicious taste sensations: the sliced cheese, its edges poking out the four sides of the round bun, melted just enough to coat the burger patties with savory goodness; the burger itself was well-done but still gratifyingly juicy; the bacon was crisp, flavorful, and in generous supply; and as mentioned above, the bun pulled it all together unobtrusively but most assuredly. And of no small concern to a persnickety clean-freak like me, despite its juiciness, burger grease and/or cheese did not drip once from the bottom of the burger when I took a bite—unlike, say, Cracker Barrel.

As described on the store’s menu, website, and in various interviews with the store’s founders, Five Guys uses fresh—“never frozen”—ground beef in an 80-20 mix (that’s 80% lean USDA Grade A beef), which is hand-formed into patties each morning by the store’s staff. There is no skimping on the ingredients or toppings at Five Guys, and its founder has what has been described as a “fanatical” approach to the quality of foods—buns, cheese, potatoes, hamburger, etc.—that make up his finished products.

Founded in 1986 in Arlington, VA by Janie and Jerry Murrell, Five Guys began with the simple premise that if they did one thing, and did it well, people would come. The straightforwardness of its business approach is crystallized in Five Guys’ elegantly stated mission: “We are in the business of selling burgers.” By extension, they’re not in the business of creating a holistic dining experience; they’re not in the business of offering a staggering array of unnecessary choices; they’re not in the business of including cheap plastic crap from the latest Disney movie in their meals. They’re in the business of selling burgers. (The grace, the uncomplicated conviction of that statement damn near makes me want to cry.)

Five Guys—named after the Murrells’ five sons Jim, Matt, Chad, Ben and Tyler, whose ages now range from early twenties to early forties and all of whom have all been involved in the family business to one degree or another—had expanded to five family-run locations in the DC-northern Virginia region by 2002. Shortly thereafter, Five Guys decided to franchise and today there are more than 200 franchises operating in 23 states—mostly on the east coast—with hundreds more franchisees planning to open additional locations in the next two years. In short, Five Guys is planning to take the culinary world by storm.

In this area, Five Guys can be enjoyed at locations in Allentown, Bala Cynwyd, Harrisburg, Philadelphia (at 1527 Chestnut Street), York, and of course Lancaster. According to Megan, who has had Five Guys many times in the Horsham area, the quality is consistently outstanding from one location to another.

Five Guys Burgers and Fries makes one of the two or three best hamburgers I have ever had the pleasure to send down my gullet. As we left the restaurant, quite satiated, we noticed a corkboard by the door with index cards onto which patrons could record their comments and impressions of the place. So overcome by the experience was I that all I could muster—nattering, long-winded wordsmith that I am—was: “Yum!”

“I took all that Five Guys had to offer,” I said on my way out to the car, “and I’m definitely coming back for more!” Next time, I’ve got a hankering to try their hot dogs.

Monsoon

[A concluding note: in my mission to find the perfect burger, I would welcome your tips as to where—within a reasonable radius of northern Lancaster County, maybe 40 miles—I might next visit to continue in this quest. Feel free to drop me an email and let me know about your perfect burger.]