Two bat wings, one Einstein quote, countless profanities, and a tender hug
My good people.
On Tuesday, I witnessed the smarmiest, most unrepentantly rank speech I have ever seen in my teaching career. It was so irredeemably repugnant, so gallingly putrid, that at times it almost rose to the level of art.
The assignment was the farewell address, which is an opportunity for seniors to reflect on their formative years as they prepare to graduate—in terms of academics, activities, relationships, interests, and the like—and present these well-formed and organized ruminations to the class. Many students use the opportunity to talk about an aptitude or pursuit of which many of their peers may not have been aware. Others talk about drug-addicted parents, profound losses, and even psychological struggles of their own. Still others confine their remarks to lighthearted remembrances of the ordinary vicissitudes and occasional monkeyshines of adolescent life.
And then there are those who are seemingly engaged in some sort of unseen scavenger hunt to cause the most offense, draw the deepest gasps, and elicit the most soul-sick groans from the instructor.
Me.
Allow me to hit the highlights of Tuesday’s final speech in my final senior class of the school year. I have inexplicably changed the names to protect the vile. So let’s call Tuesday’s presenter Ignacio Boondoggle.
The speech, it goes without saying, received a grade of zero. And while there were some innocuous reflections and even some sweet moments, they were drowned out by the relentless flood of foulness recounted below. Some of it is nearly amusing; some of it is vaguely troubling; some of it is downright disturbing. All of it is profane. You have been warned.
- The speech began with Ignacio's exhortation to the class to “settle the fuck down!” And settle the fuck down, they did.
- Ignacio lamented that he didn’t have a lot of pictures of him and his friend Travis Banjo because “we’re not gay.” He later reiterated the statement, lest anyone misperceive their special relationship.
- Ignacio reported that he and Travis would often engage in a “ball-grabbing war” to pass the time, and that often, when one of them was feeling down, they would just “grab each other’s balls” to lift one another’s spirits.
- Ignacio also reported playing “The Penis Showing Game” when bored in class. (Apparently this game originates from the film Waiting.) Bart would show Ignacio the “Bat Wing”; Ignacio would show Bart the “Shy Turtle.” This would be done at the most inappropriate moments possible in order to enhance their enjoyment of this pastime.
- Ignacio likes to get, and be, naked. He met his good friend Bart when he screamed “Group hug!” in the showers one day after gym class. Bart was the first (and only) respondent to Ignacio’s invitation.
- He frequently plays strip rock-paper-scissors and admitted that quite probably—on a subconscious level—he purposely loses these games so he can remove more clothing. Ignacio also reported getting in trouble for a nudity-related stunt in chemistry class last year: he climbed inside a cabinet and pressed his bare buttocks against its glass doors, giving the teacher (and his peers) an unwanted show.
- Once, in accounting class, the teacher was conducting an exercise and needed a fictional name for an imaginary checking account. Ignacio obligingly supplied “Gum Cuzzler,” and the teacher began writing it on the board. Once she realized the suggestive intent of his suggestion, the teacher sent Ignacio from the classroom. “I got in trouble for that one,” he recalled blithely.
- Reported playing “Smear the queer”—in which a target is identified and all others attack him—when he joined the soccer team in high school. He helpfully had this phrase in his PowerPoint presentation so there would be no question as to its proper spelling and usage.
- A portly young man's shirt ripped during gym class and his “boob” came out. Ignacio threatened to “titty-fuck” him. (At this time, I interrupted Ignacio to ask him if he remembered the conversation we had last week, in which I cautioned him against including inappropriate content in his speech and he had promised he would tone it down. He said he did remember, and he would tone it down. But by this point he was like a runaway train of ribaldry. He could not—would not—be stopped).
- In Ocean City, Ignacio, Travis and Bart spent the time “trying to pick up fat chicks.”
- Ignacio made reference to a film called Two Girls One Cup, and the fact that it changed his life. (The film's title also graced a PowerPoint slide.) A cursory Google search indicates that the film is actually the unofficial title of the trailer for a scat-fetish pornographic film called Hungry Bitches. If you don't know what “scat-fetish” is, you are lucky, and you should not find out. The appearance of the title and mention of the film was met with uproarious laughter from many of the boys in attendance. (There is apparently a spate of videos taken of people’s reactions when seeing the video in question for the first time. Search “2 Girls 1 Cup reactions” on YouTube for examples of this fascinating phenomenon. My favorite is also from one of my favorite musical groups of all time, hip hop giants The Roots; be warned, you need to turn down your computer’s volume, because there is lots of horrified screaming. None of these reaction videos shows the actual pornographic clip, rest assured.)
- Ignacio stated, in a matter-of-fact way, that his prom date this year was a “whore.” Just as notably, he seemed untroubled by this young lady’s apparent harlotry.
- Ignacio admitted losing many leg-wrestling matches at family functions because he was competing against “grown-ass men.”
- Ignacio's penultimate slide read as follows: “Your only young once so fuck shit up.” - Albert Einstein. I have several problems with the inclusion of this quotation: first, some in the audience apparently believed it was plausible that Albert Einstein had uttered the phrase attributed to him, which their bewildered questions revealed; second, the use of ‘your’ where ‘you’re’ would have been proper proves that my efforts to teach Ignacio the difference between a possessive and a contraction were an utter failure; third, I quit.
- The slideshow—and his speech—closed with a self-portrait which Ignacio had shot the previous evening. It featured Ignacio recumbent on a bed, completely nude, with a blanket covering his groin. At this, I sprang up from my seat and turned the computer projector off. Though the photograph was not revealing in any specific way, its horrifyingly suggestive tone—and its subject’s unmistakably lascivious gaze—were very much the last straw for me. In so many ways.
- After the rest of the class had left and I was still reeling from what had just happened, Ignacio approached me gingerly, said he was sorry that things got out of hand, thanked me for putting up with him all year, and gave me a tender hug. And with that, he was gone.
Never shall I forget that speech. Not if I live a thousand lifetimes, not if I have ten thousand more students. Notwithstanding any hypnotism, primal scream therapy, traumatic brain injury, or other Eternal Sunshine-esque method of targeted memory erasure I might visit upon myself. Never.
And so I ask those of you who are not in the education field: remember well what I have told you, and consider gently the grim task of the teacher in dealing with these sorts of tom-fools.
Thank you for your time. I am getting an early start to summer vacation.
Severe Thunderstorms Friday in Berks, northern Lancaster Counties
Looking at a line of severe thunderstorms heading toward the central and southern Berks / northern Lancaster County area. First showers and storms should be in the area around 5pm, then there's a chance of further storms anytime until about 9 or 10pm this evening. Storms could include large hail, damaging winds, and soaking downpours.
Saturday looks hot and humid again (high in the upper 80s) with an even better chance of late afternoon and evening storms.
On Sunday there could be some strong storms in the morning, then skies will be clearing and it will feel noticeably less soupy. High will only get up to around 80.
Next week is looking more seasonable with highs in the 70s and lows in the 50s. Next really good chance for rain is Thursday and Friday.
Next weekend the 12th and 13th, things heat up again. Temperatures will reach or exceed 90 and heat indices will be well into the triple digits.
Stay tuned...
Thursday Thunderstorms: When and Where?
It’s been hot. Soon, it will not. Then, again. Here’s how…
A cold front slams into a hot, humid air mass and brings us thunderstorms that could be damaging. These will develop anytime between 3 and 9pm, and could bring high winds, large hail, and some brief, soaking downpours. Some areas may not see these storms, but most will.
Here’s an extreme example of what it’s like to have baseball-sized hailstones falling from the sky, from an Oklahoma storm about a week ago…
Today will be warm and increasingly humid with thunderstorms possible, as mentioned above. High 88, low 64.
Friday will be partly to mostly cloudy and far more pleasant, with a passing shower or two possible. High 74, low 52.
Saturday looks gorgeous – partly cloudy with a pleasant breeze. High 78, low 56.
Sunday and Monday look warmer still, but not terribly uncomfortable, with highs in the mid 80s. Most importantly for those of you with outdoor plans, I don’t see any chance for precipitation on either of those two days.
The first week of June is looking a little cooler (highs in the 70s) and rainier (especially Thursday and Friday).
Enjoy and be safe!
Monsoon's Forecast for Tuesday, 25 May 2010, featuring the Super-Extended WeatherTable 7013
A new weather forecast, complete with WeatherTable. Hey - you deserve it.
The weather:
Weather narrative: On Tuesday we’ll see increasing heat and humidity, which will hit us full force on Wednesday. Some thunderstorms will likely move through on Thursday evening, leaving behind more moderate conditions. Right now, it’s looking at though Memorial Day will be chilly with the potential for a few showers, but outdoor plans should be safe for the most part.
Things warm up again toward the end of next week, and then another front comes through next weekend to wash away the mugginess. When that happens, we’ll see some more rain.
Future weather: After a strong cold front comes through, look for moderating temperatures (highs in the low to mid 70s) as we get into the second week of June.
Enjoy!
Imagine All the Blue Skies...
It’s been too long, my good people, but it’s getting toward the end of the school year, and that means that I find far too much of my time taken up with actual work. It's terribly inconvenient.
The clouds are parting, though (couldn’t resist the weather metaphor), and so I’ve been able to delve back into my love for meteorology.
Expect a Bunk update soon, too.
It’s rainy and cool today, but I’m seeing both bluer-skied and warmer weather straight ahead. Check it.
Tuesday night 5/18: overcast with a leftover shower or bit of drizzle. Low around 50.
Wednesday 5/19: partly cloudy and a bit milder with a slight chance of a passing shower or two early. High 68, low 52.
Thursday 5/20: plenty of sunshine and warmer with gentle breezes. High 80, low 54.
Friday 5/21: sunny, breezy, and pleasant. High 82, low 58. This is Imagine Day at Mifflin, and things are looking gorgeous for an event often beset with unwelcome chilly or rainy conditions.
Saturday 5/22: partly sunny and more humid with a chance of showers or thunderstorms late. High 78, low 61.
Sunday 5/23: partly to mostly cloudy with a couple of showers or thunderstorms moving through. High 76, low 59.
Next week and weekend: highs in the 70s for the first half of next week, with a couple of showers possible on both Tuesday and Wednesday—but neither day will be a washout. We’re looking at a return of warm and humid conditions by Thursday (when highs will be in the 80s). By next weekend (the 29th and 30th of May) we’ll be looking at highs approaching 90 as we enter a period of instability.
Beyond: more seasonable conditions will prevail, with highs in the mid to upper 70s and lows in the 50s. Humidity, instability, and the chance for precipitation return toward the middle of June…
Quick weather update, 12 April 2010
Just wanted to give you all an update on the weather, as we'll see a bit more rain and somewhat more seasonable highs than we've had of late...
Tuesday 4/13: cooler and overcast with a few showers, mainly in the afternoon; clearing late. High 56, low 41.
A weak cold front approaches, bringing with it scattered showers moving in from the northwest throughout the day on Tuesday. Not a washout, but you may want to have an umbrella handy.
Wednesday 4/14: milder with plenty of sunshine. High 64, low 38.
Thursday 4/15: partly cloudy and breezy for much of the day; clouding up late. High 71, low 49.
Friday 4/16: overcast with showers and drizzle possible throughout the day and into the evening. High 66, low 50.
Saturday 4/17 and Sunday 4/18: cooler and generally overcast with rain possible, particularly Saturday. Highs around 60, lows around 40.
Next week: The pattern holds with partly cloudy conditions predominate; highs will be in the lows 60s and lows in the low 40s. Look for a chance of showers on Wednesday 4/21 and Thursday 4/22.
Beyond: Below normal temperatures with highs in the low 50s and temperatures perhaps flirting with the freezing mark here and there. Then, for the end of April: a dramatic warm-up.
Weather Update: 3/30 through next week
Here’s what to expect over the next week or so, weather-wise: rain, then cool, then pleasant, then warm.
In more detail:
Tuesday 3/30: rather windy and noticeably cooler with rain off and on, tapering late. Rain from this evening to Tuesday night could total up to half an inch to three-quarters of an inch in the forecast area. I think areas west of Philadelphia and the immediate suburbs are going to miss the bulk of the heaviest rainfall heading up the coast. High 50, low 42.
The accumulated rainfall through Wednesday: note that the heaviest amounts (reds and oranges) are along the coast and back into Philadelphia, while we'll see more moderate amounts (greens).
Wednesday 3/31: clearing and winds diminishing throughout the day; becoming milder. High 61, low 38.
Thursday 4/1: sunny, breezy and quite a bit milder. High 74, low 50.
Friday 4/2: sunny and unseasonably warm with mild southwest breezes. High 79, low 54.
Saturday 4/3: sunny and really warm, more than 20 degrees above the normal high for this time of year. I mean, just ridiculous. Really. High 82, low 55.
Sunday 4/4: partly sunny and not quite as warm. High 74, low 52.
Monday 4/5: partly cloudy with a passing shower or two in the morning. High 69, low 46.
The rest of next week: generally partly cloudy with highs hanging in the 60s and lows in the 40s.
Beyond: the following weekend is cooler with highs in the 50s and rain possible.
The Vicissitudes of Spring ... The Majesty of Bunk
Stay tuned after the weather update for brand-new Bunk content!
The weather...
Weather narrative: We’re going to see the fickle vicissitudes of early spring over the next couple of weeks. After today (Sunday) we can bid a fond adieu to the 70-plus temperatures and “spring fever” of the past few days. Monday will bring in a cold front, and with it some rain and plummeting temperatures. Look for the bulk of the rain late Monday afternoon and evening, perhaps lingering into Tuesday morning.
On Wednesday it gets back up into the low 60s, but a stiff wind will make it feel more like autumn than spring. On Friday we get cooler again with showers possible on that day and on Sunday.
Next week (the last week of March) is looking rather cold and rainy, with the possibility of frozen precipitation early on Sunday the 28th and Monday the 29th. This will just be a little dusting or coating – a reminder of what we’re leaving behind, and what we won’t see around these parts again until year’s end.
Beyond the forecast: As we get into what is, for many of us, an abbreviated Spring Break, I’m seeing temperatures rebound into the low to mid 50s (closer to normal for this time of year) with drier conditions generally.
And now, as promised: The Bunk.
I’ve been remiss in providing you updates and pictures of The Bunk here in the New Year; I was a bit preoccupied with the snow, the snow, the snow.
The Bunk is 19 months old now (or he will be, on Wednesday), and remains, believe me, and absolute gentleman. Indeed, to speak feelingly of him, he is the very card or calendar of gentry. [Someone help me: we finished Hamlet a month ago, and yet I cannot stop quoting it. It is not, nor it cannot come to good. See?]
Anywho, he’s a delight. Yesterday he seemed to have finally understood the concept of “fetch” while we mucked about on the tennis courts, but only fleetingly: when he became more interested in a far-off sound, an intriguing smell, or a passing dog, the game was over. He has a formidable bark whose depth and apparent ferocity belie the mildness and poofery of his appearance.
Here are some snapshots of The Bunk being The Bunk, in his own inimitable way.
The Bunk maintains his dignity despite being clad in Christmas-themed garb - Boxing Day 2009
Lounging happily betwixt two pieces of furniture, his body on the chair and his head on the hassock, The Bunk takes both malleability and adorability to new heights - January 2010
DFW: Down for Whatever - January 2010
The Bunk, plastered to my side, some idyllic weekend - February 2010
The Bunk breaks his own previous record for malleability, wedged into the chair in the sunbeam, fast asleep - February 2010
Fully splayed, looking like an albino Grover - February 2010
Who's a sleepy boy? You are! You are! - March 2010
The Bunk, at play, yesterday - March 2010